Refined (cont...)

Satan has many different tools that he uses. Lies that he tells.

And we have different "buttons" that can be pushed and affect us one way or another.

Because of the timing of the miscarriage, I didnt not have very many people to talk to. The holidays are busy and our small group from church wasn't getting together until the new year. I didnt want to be a debbie downer and randomly call up friends to talk to... but really, I thought that it wasnt that big of a deal (not the miscarriage itself, but the not having people to talk to). I have, after all, been through this twice before and "know" how to handle it. Right?

Wrong.

The thing is, even after dealing with this for 3 times now, I dont think that there is ever any getting used to it or knowing how to handle it. I dont know if this will make sense, but there are just new thoughts and emotions that come each time. Yes, some of the same issues that the Lord brought me through and taught me 4 years ago are lessons that I learned fairly well and could look back on and be reminded of Gods faithfulness. But then, there were some new issues that came up through this situation... hence, the continued refinement.

Does anyone else think its interesting that the SAME type circumstance can be used over and over and teach new things each time? I find it a tad annoying, personally (no offense, God!). I would much prefer to deal with a circumstance once, learn all there is to learn, and never  deal with it again. But then, when do we ever learn all there is to learn by experiencing something just once? Yeah, exactly. :-( This is true of losing a loved one, dealing with sickness, job loss, conflict at work, friendships, etc... we learn new things each time as our Refiner digs deeper into our hearts.

In our first loss, God dealt with me on my lack of submission and control freak nature. And while this all stems from pride, it was some of the symptoms of that pride which God dealt with in my heart.

The second loss taught me that i can trust God. I went into it determined to not make the same mistakes and to look back on my past experience and to know that Gods timing is perfect and that I can trust Him. I guess I dealt with the second loss the best.

And honestly, I was pretty proud that I didnt lose it the second go round. I had learned and applied, I thought...

In this situation, I learned something that I already knew but saw the manifestations of in a whole new way.

I am prideful. I know, nothing new, right? But my pride leads me to avoid others. To not want to depend on others. To want to just deal with things myself and never need anyone.

This is something God made me aware of YEARS ago and continues to deal with me on.

The biggest problem with this is that it keeps me from opening up and having intimate conversations with my husband. Now, in all honesty, he's probably been kind of grateful for that ;-) You know, men dont particularly enjoy touchy feely conversations. Well, lucky for him, neither do I. Because, again, I dont like to admit that things bother me and that I may need a shoulder to cry on. Because that would show weakness. Gasp.

And normally I would have a couple of convo's with a friend or two over the phone to discuss my feelings. Youknow the advantage (for someone like me) to a phone conversation is that you dont have to look in someones eyes and get to the heart of the matter. You can hold back tears and only go so deep and the person on the other line never knows that there is more. In person, they can sense that by seeing your facial expression... see you hold back the hurt or anger or tears. In a world where texting, facebooking, blogging, IMing and the rare phone conversation are as intimate as it gets, we have forgotten just how telling it is to look into someones eyes and on their face.

So, I convinced myself that it didnt matter that we werent having small group. That I shouldnt call and burden my BFF's. That this was a happy time of year and that I should just keep busy and join in the fun and everything would be fine.

But weeks passed and I felt myself feeling more alone than ever. I had isolated myself. Built protective little walls around my heart so that no one could see that I was hurting. And the worst part? I had convinced myself that I should be proud of myself for doing so! (more pride...). But in reality, I had quite effectively kept out those who love me. The Lord. My friends. My husband.

Instead, I turned to staying up late and just surfing on the internet or watching tv. Anything mindless that would keep my heart from being engaged in a conversation. I avoided reading Gods Word. Avoided praying. Avoided anything past a superficial conversation with anyone. And my sleep deprivation made me testy and impatient with my children, yet I continued to pursue mindless entertainment.  

Until one day when my friend Emily and I were instant messaging and I could just feel everything starting to come out. Its easy to type how you feel, youknow. Thats why there are so many of us bloggers out there... its cathartic to write out how we feel. I might mention here, however, that a prayer journal is a MUCH more effective tool to not only write out how we feel, but to pursue an intimate relationship with God, as to where blogging just makes us temporarily feel better ;-) (preaching to the choir).

I knew that I needed to open up to the Lord and my husband. But lie #2 started to sink in: its too awkward to talk about it out of the blue.

Fact: it is awkward. Another Fact: it is worth it.

I found myself in the situation of so many others that I've counseled who have said "I just dont know where to begin".  My advice has always been to encourage them to start off with "i feel kind of awkward talking... i know i've been avoiding talking some things over with you...". Just start somewhere.

So, I had to take my own advice.

First, I had to open up to the Lord and confess my pridefulness. Hard as that was, it was such a relief. Knowing that there is something between you and the Lord is an extremely stressful place to be. Same with my hubby. He knew that there was something "off" and as much as we both didnt want to talk about it, we both knew it needed to happen.

I'll spare the details, but what is amazing is the closeness I've enjoyed since with both the Lord and Jeff. It was humbling to have to 1. have a conversation 2. admit that i was hurting 3. admit that i had been prideful.
But God tells us over and over that it is not a sacrifice that he desires but obedience. And in this case, the step of obedience that I needed to take was to lay down my pride.

So, I'd love to say that I've learned all there is to learn and that it would be fruitless for the Lord to allow me to go through another miscarriage. But I'm sure that's not the case. And as much as I dread these trials and would never choose to go through them, I also wouldnt trade the growth, spiritually.

² My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, ³ knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. ⁴ But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him..  -James 1: 2-5

This experience brought us to more life decisions, as well, which I'll talk about next...