One Year...

Its official. As of Sunday, we've been one year without Mommie. Its been an absolutely crazy year and honestly, I think the business of it has kept me from realizing just how much I miss my Mommie.

So,I let myself just "have a day" on Sunday. I cried. A lot. I just felt heart broken. Jeff and I are getting ready to do some more remodeling to the house and part of this next phase includes tearing down the barn. So we went out to the barn for  a bit to look around at what needs to be trashed/saved/donated/sold. And I choked back tears the entire time. Looking around at what, in my childhood, was a fantastic shop for Daddy to do woodworking... it was almost more than I could bear to see the shape its in now. The ceiling is falling in because the roof leaks. Its filled with junk; old broken tools, boxes filled with useless stuff that needs to be gotten rid of, dust and dirt.

How did a place that was once so alive with Daddy working and whistling away turn into such a sad, sad place?

We finished up looking through it and I just had to get out of there. I have SO many happy memories in that shop with Daddy... sitting under the covered area in a lawn chair, listening to the rain fall on the tin roof with a glass of lemonade. Or sweeping the dust for him with the same broom that I use today to clean up outside. Theres just so so many sweet memories. And the thought of tearing it down breaks my heart! But seeing it in its dilapidated state is even more sad.

Its like death in so many ways. There comes a point when you've seen someone suffer for so long that you know its more merciful for them to pass on, but them passing takes away any hope of them ever being what you imagine and remember them being when they were healthy and young (not that there was ever a chance of that happening, anyways). Its painful to watch and painful to let go. Just painful.

So we came inside and got to rearranging some things in the attic so as to get ready for the installation of our new HVAC unit... only for Jeff to come across an old mothers day card that Daddy had given to Mommie. Which, of course, caused more tears.
They loved each other so much. They were married almost 57 years before Daddy passed away. Wow.

And so of course as I was up there, all I could think of was the hours I had spent up in the attic with mommie... getting down Christmas decorations or cleaning out for a yard sale. Hearing her complain about how all of the kids needed to get their stuff out or she was going to do away with it all (idle threats ;-). So many memories are in that attic, too.

Even now, as I sit in our living room which once was my bedroom growing up, I am surrounded by memories of my Mommie and Daddy who will never sit in this living room with me. And it hurts SO so badly.

So Sunday, I had a day to reflect on how much I miss them. On how hard it is to see my sweet 5 year old draw cards for her "Mayer" and ask if maybe an Angel could take it to heaven for her. It was an ugly, sad day.

But today, I am choosing to focus my mind not on myself and how sad it is to live life without her and Daddy, but instead I choose to focus on what life must be like for them now. OH, how amazing it must be to be reunited again after their 7.5 years of separation. I wonder what its like to be in the presence of Jesus and with so many of their family and friends who have gone on before them. I wish I could see each of them with their restored, fully healed, HEALTHY bodies! Man, my Mommie was BEAUTIFUL and Daddy was a STUD when they were younger! I bet they are enjoying life... pain free.

Even knowing this truth, I still cry. I'm still sad. But my sadness is for myself and for my family who misses Mommie. Its not for Mommie (or Daddy). Because truthfully, neither of them would come back here even if they could. It is they who are "home" now. And thankfully, I will join them one day... all because of the sacrifice of Jesus that allows me the opportunity to have a relationship with God despite my failures, and the gift of eternity with God and all the others who have chosen to accept Christ as their savior. What a gift.

Till then, though, I'm sure there will be hard days. I'm simply hopeful that they will get farther and farther apart. And I trust that in time, the memory of her laughter will bring smiles rather than tears to my face.

33.5 years with her, 1 without. I'm blessed to have had her as my Mommie.