Shepherding A Child's Heart: Chapter 4

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YOU'RE IN CHARGE!

Oh my! How badly I needed to read this chapter this week!

Tripp begins this chapter by prompting some great questions that each of us need to explore: "What is the nature of the parent's authority over a child? Is it absolute or relative? Is the authority vested in the parent because of the relative size difference between parents and young children? Are we in charge because we are smarter and more experienced? Are we called to rule because we are not sinners and they are? Do we have the right to tell our kids to do anything we want them to do?" (pg 27)

Wow! That's a lot to think about! However, Tripp makes a GREAT point; if we dont answer questions like this, we will be timid/tentative and insecure in guiding/parenting our children!

How true! This is exactly what I find my out of control mind pondering at times (mostly when my 15 month old makes me question my sanity). "Who am I, anyways, to expect him to behave a certain way?" Well, obviously the 1st problem is that my question is aimed at correcting behavior. BAD sin nature (insert my own slap on the wrist here). The second issue being that for whatever reason, momentary lapses in sanity make me wonder if it's really ok for me to have high expectations of my children.

Thank you Ted Tripp for reminding me that God not only allows it, but he mandates it!!! For some reason, my own heart deceives me at times (hello Jeremiah 17:9) and makes me think otherwise. I truly believe that this is due to our cultures distorted view of authority!

Tripp reminds us that our culture does not have a biblical understanding of authority (pg 27... yes, we're still on the 2nd page of the chapter... this is a GOOD chapter!). He says that "we think of authority as derived either from overwhelming force or consent. Therefore, the only way we can respond is either with rebellion or servility. Our culture has no notion of intelligent, thinking persons willingly placing themselves under authority".  But he reminds us that Psalms 119:44-45 states clearly that "Freedom is not found in autonomy, it is found in obedience".

To expand on that just a bit, I read a book called "Babywise" that I have used in learning to schedule our children's lives. It has been a great blessing in our home. Anyhoo, I remember the authors discussing this principle of boundaries and obedience and how freedom is found within. They gave this example of a group of kids playing on the school yard and hovering right around the fence. A psychologist observed this and told the school that the fence needed to be removed because the kids hovered too closely to it and were not creative, etc. The fence was removed and suddenly they observed that all of the kids hovered in the middle of the playground, unsure of where the boundaries were. They were even less creative in their play due to the lack of boundaries. Yes, boundaries/obedience creates freedom, it does not stifle it! Boundaries are not "bad". They are intended for protection and great freedom can be found within. :-)

I also loved how Tripp discusses (again on pg 27) our parenting goals often being no more noble than basically avoiding conflict, offering comfort and convenience.  Often time, parenting is for the parents convenience, not the child's good.

This reminds me of my very favorite saying: "God uses all things for our good and His glory". Its kind of my motto in life, especially in hard times. Its a wonderful reminder that even the negative, difficult times are meant for my good. And so it is with our children. What an incredible disservice we offer to our children if our primary goal is to avoid conflict or discomfort for our children. What valuable lessons, for their GOOD, would be learned through such times that we are allowing them to avoid!?!

Before I have any readers thinking "oh no, this is going to be another crazy group of people who beat their children all "in the name of God" and get away with it", let me be clear on a HUGE overarching principle in this book (and in Gods word!): a loving and kind authority reflective of the character of God will not abuse such a role, but will rather take the responsibility seriously to guide their children. This will never result in abuse. Communication is key. Probing your childs heart is key. Correcting behavior is secondary.

Disclaimer over :-)

"You may not try to shape the lives of your children as it pleases you, but as pleases him"  (pg 28)
So, not only are our children under our authority, but WE are under the authority of God! We have differing roles, but the same Master! Therefore, it is of utmost importance that we  lead by EXAMPLE. As Tripp states, children learn to become wise decision makers when they see their parents
“modeling and instructing wise direction and decision making on their behalf.” Children learn to respect authority because they see us respect authority. They learn to make good choices because they see us make good choices. They are the ultimate "apprentice". The question is, are we a good model for them to follow?

UNHOLY ANGER: I think that this is likely an issue for most parents. Particularly those of us who will own up to being control freaks :-( Or is that just me?! Nine times out of ten, when I am angry at my children, it is NOT over sin. It is because they are not doing what I want them to do. I spend a LOT of time asking forgiveness from God and even from my children (if I act on my unholy anger). I am pleased to say that I've been working on this for a while and while its still a HUGE issue for me, I have seen the Lord be faithful and show me so much grace in this arena. I now typically deal with my unholy anger internally and do not express it in any way. Sometimes I do an internal scream (keep your mouth closed and scream a little... yes, i have some issues, perhaps!) to let out my frustration but honestly, I think we often times have to find some way to cope in frustrating situations with our children. This works for me for now. I pray diligently that one day, i will posses the wisdom and discipline to not even be bothered by the silly stuff. But for now... 

The main problem with unholy anger is this: "Anger that your child is not doing what you want frames discipline as a problem between parent and child, not as a problem between the child and God". (29).

The dialogue, while perhaps a bit out of our comfort zones at first, found on pg 29 and 30 is actually a fantastic way to help a child understand and see you obeying Gods command in discipline. Helping a child understand 1. What they did to require discipline 2. What the discipline will be and 3. That you are being obedient by disciplining them is SO important. Discipline should be delivered in a calm, objective manner that allows your relationship with your child to be strengthened, not broken. "Unholy human anger may teach your children to fear you. They may even behave better, but it will not bring about biblical righteousness." (34) In fact, it will cause our children to create a subtle idol of the heart; the fear of man.

How tragic that in our own misguided attempts at parenting not only are we sinning, but we are causing our children to create idols in their hearts that the bible warns us against!

Tripp also stresses that we MUST have clear objectives in our parenting.  We need training objectives! We need, as parents, to sit down together and (after asking the Lord to give us discernment and wisdom) list our child's strengths and weaknesses... and then develop strategies on ways to strengthen the weaknesses and encourage the strengths! 

We should sit down with our spouses and set short-term and long-term goals for all of our kids.  We must develop strategies for teaching and training them.  We must spend time thinking about how to focus our efforts on attitudes of the heart rather than simple behavior modification.  Finally, we must remain humble as parents.  Understanding that, in parenting, we are acting as an agent of God should help us to stay both focused and humble. 

APPLICATION:

We only need one thing to work on this week because its a BIGGIE. I truly hope and pray that most if not all of us have seen our husbands interest piqued by this study and that they are willing to read the book. Regardless of their willingness/ability to read, we need to set aside time to discuss our parenting strategies.

Review your previous guide for parenting. What have you corrected and what have you let slid?. What needs correction that you've been putting off? Go through the questions at the end of chapter 4 together and really take time to prayerfully consider the answers!

xoxo

Kelly