Getting to the Heart of Behavior
If you have joined in this virtual study, WELCOME! I'm so glad you're here. I pray that we will all learn greatly from the experiences of one another. I presume that we are all here because we are looking for a better way to raise our children. A better, more effective way to apply discipline in our family.
What better place to look for such answers than the bible. The God of the bible who created all (including our more "challenging" children!) has a plan. Now, unfortunately (for those of us who are task oriented) there is not a clear cut list of do's and don't s in child rearing. But the great news is this: there is only one major concept to biblical discipline.
WHY > WHAT
WHY our children behave the way they do is ALWAYS more important than the what that they have done.
Why is this? The bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23" Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Not only this, but we also know from Jeremiah 17:9 that "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"
So if we remember nothing else from this study remember that behavior is NOT the basic issue. It is the SYMPTOM of a much, much deeper issue. As Tripp states, "Your childs needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior" (pg 4). And more importantly, "A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable" (pg 4. emphasis mine).
Before we go any further in our discussion of our children, lets first revisit my first blog post. I had stated that my realization that change was needed in our home came by seeing a mirror held up to my face... in the form of my three year old daughter. Certainly, I am not the only one who has read the introduction and first chapter and thought "but before I can change how I discipline my own child, I need the Lord to change ME!". Are those crickets I'm hearing?! ;-)
Matthew 15:8 gives us a picture of what it looks like to see this external change without ever addressing the internal: "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me".
So as we pursue righteousness in our children, I pray that we would pursue the One who offers righteousness to each of us! "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12) As Tripp states (in his handbook, pg 8) "Unless the Word of God dwells richly in you, you will be ineffective in using it as a means of helping your children understand the overflow of their hearts"
I am not suggesting that before we deal with disciplining our children, we ask the Lord to perfect us. Why, we'd never discipline our children! But what i do suggest is that we keep in mind that no matter the age, we all need to be striving for pureness in heart. And this, dear friends (as I have learned from experience) does not come naturally. It comes supernaturally. So as we begin this journey together, I pray that our focus is not only on seeing changes in our children, but in our hearts as well!!! This requires PRAYER and dependence on the Lord!
One of my favorite suggestions that Tripp makes is to ENGAGE OUR CHILDREN! We cannot, however, believe that it is only important to engage our children when disciplining! Think of yourself in a work situation (whether you currently work or not, most of us have worked at some point I assume?!). If you have a boss who only attempts a heart to heart with you two or three times a year in order to increase your productivity, you are likely to be skeptical of his motives. But if this same boss spends time with you day in and day out and truly invests into your life as a mentor, engaging you on a daily basis, you are much more likely to accept constructive criticism positively. And so it is with our children. Regardless of how much we know we love our children, if we only spend time with them when we are correcting, they are much less likely to be impacted by our correction. For me, this means remembering to set aside times in the day that I can check my email, etc and to stay away! from the computer during my kids playing hours! (hence, this post coming at 8:45 at night! nothing like real time application!)
Identifying our weaknesses as parents is KEY!
1. Am I leading by example by being willing to apologize to my children for my past wrong motives/actions in disciplining them and am I willing to lay out for them the new biblical mindset? (for older children, laying our the new approach will be important, for the younger children perhaps not)
2. Am I currently recognizing that authority has been given to me by God over my children but that I also answer to the authority of God? Am I willing to be the parent to my children or am I afraid of confrontation? ("The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God" -Shepherding pg xx)
3. Am I currently or have I been in the past a "behaviorist"? How have I attempted to change behavior without tending to the heart issues?
Finally, we must TRUST that God's promises are true for us and our children! Ezekiel 36:26 promises us that "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh". Oh, that we might desire this softened heart from the Lord!
Application for the Week:
In addition to 1. searching our hearts regarding our previous motives in disciplining our kids (anger, frustration, laziness, etc) might I suggest that in our attempts to engage our children, that we 2. offer a "better way". Meaning? Well, we must first remember that kids are ALWAYS learning. Its interesting how we tend to treat kids like kids at times and then expect them to act like adults at others ;-) (guilty!). For my three year old, this may mean that I not only instruct Rhyan that we do not take things from her brother, but that I suggest that if he is interested in playing with a toy that she is currently playing with, that she might find some equally interesting toy for him so as to show him love without having to give up her toy. No, i do not want to promote selfishness in my 3 year old, but nor do i want her to grow up thinking that the only way to handle this kind of confrontation is to give up what she is playing with. So, offer an alternative! When you show your children a "better way" to handle a situation, you give them knowledge in application. And lastly, find a prayer rug, friends. Or we may just rub holes in our carpets! 3. Biblical discipline requires prayer, and lots of it. When you feel that frustration over your childs actions, you may need to take a step back (or onto the back porch!) and pray for discernment over your own heart first (are you angry or frustrated because in your own pride you are irritated that your children do not behave as you wish?! deal with your own heart first so that you can have a clear heart and mind as you look to your child). If we are anything alike, this first week may be spent more on THIS part of the application than anything else!
Looking forward to some great discussion!
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