Shepherding a Childs Heart: Chapter 5

Examining our goals!

So, hopefully we were all able to get our spouses to read the book and we sat down or maybe even went on a DATE NIGHT! (whats that again?!) and discussed some of our training objectives, child's strengths and weaknesses and develop some goals and strategies for parenting.

Or, you're still hoping your husband will find time/God will give him the desire to read, you're confused about this term "date night" and you are hoping that one day you'll find time to consider some training objectives ;-)

Regardless of where you are (i'm closer to the latter of the two sentences... my husband is in his masters degree and I dont think you could PAY him to read another book right now), the fact that we are all gaining awareness is key. Meditating on these new principles is the next step to making change!

In chapter 5, Tripp discusses some unbiblical goals that are not worthy of the time and effort that so many parents put into them.  Some parents spend so much time either working with their child or hiring others to do the job so as to make them a prodigy of some sort. They put so much time and attention focused towards a particular sport or dance or playing an instrument that they put all else aside. And for many, cast aside are all concerns of their childs exposure to biblical instruction. All of this is determined by what a parents definition of success is. And our main question must be: what is a biblical definition of success!??

Then there are other parents who are far more concerned with their childs psychological adjustment in the world. Who cares if little Johnny can play an instrument, he needs to know how to play the world like a fiddle! They are all concerned with their childs self esteem. Unfortunately, this parent seems to forget that biblical attitudes focus more on others than ourselves. Yes, it is wise to be introspective. But so that we can see our own faults and strengths and pray for help where needed and give God glory where deserved!

And I think that most of us can at least to some extent identify with the unbiblical goal of wanting to see our children get saved. But then, we should all know that salvation does not take away life's troubles. Nor will it make our child an angel. It is a step of submission and the beginning of having a deeper understanding of God, but salvation in no way is a "fix it". We are not done parenting when our child accepts the Lord as their savior... indeed, discipleship has just begun at that point!

Then, there are some parents who put so much emphasis on family worship time, yet, it does not translate into a daily fleshing out of faith...

And then we hit the one that certainly hit me the hardest: the unbiblical goal of having  well behaved children. As Tripp states, "Having well behaved children is not a worthy goal. It is a great secondary benefit of biblical childrearing" (pg 43). Why? "When being well-mannered is severed from biblical roots in servanthood, manners become a classy tool of manipulation" (43). 

Ok, lets take a break from our children for a moment. Am I the only one thinking "OUCH!" from that statement?! Oh, what a cooperative rebel I am. How well I behave in order to gain the approval and acceptance of others... not because I love the Lord, trust that doing good to others is best and most glorifying for Him... Back to examining my own heart! The more we read and become aware of, there more we find to work on :-)

And we probably all know someone who has made it their life's goal to be sure that their child is the most educated person around. Offering only the best private schools hoping for the highest of achievements and awards. Again, is there anything wrong with this? Not in and of itself. It is when this becomes a goal primary to raising our children to glorify God and enjoy him forever that it becomes a problem...

Finally, there are the parents (like me) who are control freaks and who desire children who are manageable. These parents have really no parenting goals that are related to the childrens character development... rather, all parenting is focused on the convenience and ease on the parent.

The Biblical warning against cultural influence section was really convicting to me. Primarily because I am struggling with some convictions of how we, as Christians, have totally become imbedded in the culture of america, so much so as to ignore biblical instruction :-( Tripp reminds us again of our MASSIVE responsibility as a parent:

"If you teach (your children) to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents, and intelligence to make their lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God"  

By pandering to desires and wishes, tripp explains, we teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things. We encourage the sin of materialism by delighting in their enjoyment of posessions.

Our objective is clear and concise:  SET BEFORE OUR CHILDREN A BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW. Teach them that they are CREATURES MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD- MADE FOR GOD.

They are not... and WE are not... made for this world. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the goodness of this world, but when our focus on the things of this world overrides our desire to be in Gods will, there is a problem.

The last section on sending mixed signals is brilliant, in my opinion. Even in disciplining a 3 year old, when they see the "reason" to obey as being "to make mommy happy" or "avoid a spanking", they are missing the point. Because we are not showing them the real point. I'd also like to add that I firmly believe that it is precisely this type of parenting that leads to rebellious teens. Give your child no better reason to obey then "because I said so" (how many of us heard this growing up?) and dont be shocked when they no longer find that to be a compelling reason to resist their flesh.

Weekly Application:

1. Think about what you consider to be success. How is it that you and your spouse are pursuing success in this world. Is your pursuit of success confirming or sending mixed signals to your children regarding biblical success? Talk about this with your spouse... we all may find that our OWN goals for life may look a little different!

2. Continue to meditate on what you have learned/been made aware of so far. Pray daily, BEFORE getting your children out of bed for wisdom, guidance and discernment for opportunities to teach them the true definition of success.