SO behind... and its staying that way :-(

I took Rhy to the dr today. As i sat in the waiting area, i remembered being there just a week and a half ago getting Rhyans immunizations and suddenly i remembered Dr M saying "with the MMR, the fever may not come for a week or two...". I thought, omg, i'm about to pay $35 for them to tell me its the stinkin mmr.
Yep, that about covers it. LOVE being a first time mom :-) Live and learn... (this learning bit gets EXPENSIVE when it comes to co-pays...).

Just to explain, i've had a rough week emotionally. I've not been in a blogging mood. I've been so emotional, feeling so isolated (just a lie from satan) and afterwords, very reflective of why i get in those kinds of "pits". I dont know the answer to that, but i know that while I'm in them, i need to keep my mouth shut, my fingers away from the keyboard and my face pressed into Gods word.

The only part of that I was successful with this past "pit" was staying away from the keyboard. Things to work on, i suppose...

I'm trying to organize how i can post and catch up on all that July and August have been filled with so far. Soon... I hope. I'm also trying to devise a plan on how often to blog and what i can blog about each time so that its not so random. Most of you probably dont care, but my very organized brain is very bothered by the randomness of this blog. Especially since i'll turn each year into a book at some point.

Ok, until then, Hope you're having a great week!

Rhyan: 15 Months

WOW! 15 months! We are loving every minute with her. She really is such a great baby. We're blessed, and we know it! At 15 months, here are some things i'll want to remember. She is:

-sleeping 7pm-7am each day
-naps in the morning from about 10:15-11am
-naps in the afternoon from about 1:15/1:30-4ish
-occasionally skips her a.m. nap (like, on sundays)
-LOVES to dance! to anything!
-is taking TONS of steps. not a full time walker just yet, but is well on her way!
-loves Spud like crazy. gives him kisses and pets him gently, much to his dismay
-says mama, dada, bye bye, bah (ball), bud-un (button.. in reference to her belly button), puh-kin (pumpkin), puh (spud), nigh nigh (night night), up, open (um, but i'm pretty sure she doesnt mean open, its just a noise she says constantly) and done.
-does "bad face"
-lets you "smell her foot"
-still does the little indian
-shakes her finger when i sing 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed when i get to the part where the doctor said "no more monkeys jumping on the bed"!
-tries to do the motions to itsy bitsy spider
-loves the outside
-LOVES water! pool, beach, water table, bath time... she just loves water!
-can point to her toes, foot, hair, belly button and OUR hair, ears, eyes, nose and teeth.
-talks a ton. we have no clue what shes saying and most of it sounds Chinese :-)
-helps get herself dressed by putting each arm in her clothes, putting each foot in her pants, etc.
-says "ohhhhhh" when she drops something or falls while walking. its cuter in person.
-blows raspberries. yuck.
-has weathered since her 1st bday roseola and strep throat.
-is doing great w/ her torticollis and is holding her head up well. we still do daily stretches.
-gives the best hugs and kisses. she even does it when i sing "i love you, you love me..." (the barney song...).

We are very excited and feel very blessed to get to be Rhyan's parents and are so glad that God entrusted her to us!

Mini-Update

We've been in myrtle beach, sc for the last 5 days. 5 blissful, beautiful days filled with the beach, the pool, eating, napping, eating, the pool, eating and sleeping. Just the way we like it :-)

I'm super behind on everything blog related. But just as a quick update, Rhyan was sick leading up to our departure for the beach. Doesnt that ALWAYS seem to happen?! They're healthy for months and then you plan a trip and BAM... sick. Anyhoo. Long story short, she was a bit of a bear on the ride there. Totally different from our orange beach trip! She slept for all of 30 minutes of our 6 hour ride. Turns out, we got a call friday from her dr saying that even though her rapid strep test from wednesday had come out negative, the full culture showed that she did indeed have Strep Throat! Ugg! Poor baby! No wonder she was such a pill :-( Then, we all felt bad for being so annoyed by her. lol. 2 days of antibiotics later and she was back to her happy self.

She's also taking tons of STEPS! not officially "walking" yet. But today, she took 24 steps before falling! That included a turn in another direction, peeps. Turns take skillz... and the girl's got em :-)

Anyways, it was a nice time away. But i'm glad to be home. I love our home. Its not perfect, but its our home and its comfortable and peaceful and quiet. And it makes me feel the same.

The "ticker"

Every day that i look at the top of my blog I see that cute little lilypie ticker just ticking away the time I have with Rhyan. And while i should be treasuring every moment, all i can think is:

"Rhyan is 1 year, 2 months, 3 weeks and 2 days old"...
And still ISNT WALKING! :-(

Grrr... the child is fully capable. I held the back of her shirt tonight with my index finger and thumb. It gave her absolutely NO support but she "felt" me there, i guess. And she walked almost 8 steps to her Daddy. When i let go, she immediately sat down. I know, i know, "she'll walk when she's ready". Whatever. We're NEVER getting released from therapy! lol!!!

Glass Half Full

Just wanted to write a little note to let you all know that we're okay here. Yes, our hearts are broken. Yes, we are so sad that we wont be welcoming a little brother or sister for Rhyan come March, 2011. Yes, there is a void.

I want no one to have any doubt about this truth: Jeff and I KNOW the Lord has plans for our family. And we trust Him.

You see, i've tried the not trusting route before. It led me to stressing out for over nine months after the loss of our first pregnancy as i hoped to be pregnant again. Those days were ugly. They were dark. They were controlled by me. I didnt allow Gods hand to move. I wanted to be pregnant and if He wouldnt give us a child, well i didnt need Him.

YEAH RIGHT! I was miserable during that time. I struggled with my lack of trust, knowing that it separated me farther and farther from what He had for me. But my control freak self was stronger than the Spirit within me. So i fought like crazy. Until i broke down crying one day in July, somewhere around my birthday. I was so sad to be having another birthday without a baby. And at that point, to be honest, it wasnt really a baby that i wanted. I wanted to be pregnant but didnt really have a clue about wanting a baby yet. I dont know how to explain that. Hopefully some of you women will get it.

So one day i broke down, so ashamed. So burdened. So overwhelmed. And I begged Christ to forgive me for all of my planning and effort and dependence on myself. I was disgusted with myself, and i feel certain that while the Lord loved me throughout all of this, He was really saddened by my lack of faith. The Lord was faithful to forgive, as He promises to be.

Less than a month later, we found out we were expecting. It wasnt until I was surrendered to Him that i was capable of being a godly mom to Rhyan. And He was infinitely wise in His withholding of a child from us until I realized that.

Yesterday, I helped lead worship at church. I didnt really "feel" like leading worship yesterday morning as the official miscarriage had started that same morning. But i knew that my God does not change but that my feelings do and so I trusted that if i was faithful to do as He asked that He would show me something. One song we sang was "Wonderful Maker". My heart just overflowed...

You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent your only son, for you are good

What a wonderful maker
What a wonderful savior
How majestic your whispers
And how humble your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a father
How majestic your whispers
What a wonderful God

And indeed, He is. He has the heart of a father, and as we all know, when your children hurt, you hurt. I know that the Lord is hurting right along with us... that He's saddened that the sin of the world causes His children pain. And that just as he cried with his friends at the death of Lazarus (although He knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead), even in His infinite wisdom and knowledge of the end of my story, He cries with me today as i mourn the loss of our child. And in return, i have peace knowing that He has a plan. I am so grateful that He has changed me and grown me and while i have a long way to go in my walk with Him, i refuse to revisit those dark days. I choose to learn from my past and to see what He has brought us through and blessed us with. And we trust Him to do it again!

Void...

I cant believe i'm about to type this... again.

I found out last friday that I was preggo. Today, one week later, i found out that i had a blighted ovum. You can read more on that here.

Youknow how when someone has been in a rare situation you just assume that they wont experience it again? For example, (true story my cousin shared w/ me)... there was a woman who was on the titanic when it sank. She lived! Now, one would assume that she would not experience that again... i mean, what are the odds? But true to life, she ended up dying on a boat that sank some years later.

Thats kind of what i feel like. Dont get me wrong, i in no way think i am beyond this situation. I in no way think that i dont deserve (or do deserve) it. Its sad and it happens a good bit. Part of me just thought since i had experienced an ectopic pregnancy before that i had paid my dues and it would all be smooth sailing after that. Apparently, life doesnt work that way.

My heart just aches. When we lost our 1st, i felt almost numb to it. I didnt really ever get attached to the idea (i felt something was wrong from the get go) of being preggo so while it was sad, it wasnt that upsetting to me. But now, everything is different. I have Rhyan. I know what i've just lost... the potential for another little Rhyan.

After having a child, everything is seen in my mind in relationship to her. So now, not only have we lost our baby, but we've lost her brother/sister. I know that technically it never got that far... believe me, i know all of the technicalities... but my heart doesnt seem to understand.

One thing i all of this is unchanging. "I have plans for you, saith the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future". Where would we be without Him? And what purpose would all of the sad things in the world have if they could not bring Him glory? So it is our prayer that our loss would be Christ's gain. That His name would be glorified. That He would be lifted up.

We appreciate your love and prayers.

Really? I mean, really?

From my pregnancy with Rhyan i have something called melasma. You can read about it here. Basically, its a darkening of the skin that happens during pregnancy on the cheeks, forehead and upper lip. I went to the dermatologist about it and got some cream to use but it dries out my skin so badly that i would rather not. So i'm waiting until the fall and will have a series of chemical peels done.

I'm pretty bothered by it. It looks like i have a mustache when i'm not wearing makeup (and sometimes even when i do!). Jeff says he doesnt see the big deal and that its not that noticable, but i've had THREE people THIS WEEK say something about it.

One patient who has BAD discoloration of her face (like, not melasma... WAY worse) said "oh, you must have what i have". All i could think was "OMG, it doesnt look THAT bad, does it?!"

Then last weekend my cousin asked where i had been to get a "coon's tan" (yes, he's redneck). I just didnt answer and pretended not to hear.

But yesterday topped it all... Dr Cohen asked if i had been punched in the cheek.

NOOOOOO. I have flippin skin discoloration from carrying a child. Yet another wonder of being a woman :-(