I think this might be my favorite chapter (so far... trust me, theres some good ones to come!). I love some practical, applicable wisdom, and while this book is chocked full of it, this chapter just speaks to me! Calls me to action in a very straightforward "i can see that" kind of way! I love that!
Discarding Unbiblical Methods
The first section of the book, Tripp recalls an interaction he witnessed between a mother and daughter. This just broke my heart. The child was misbehaving and the mother was fed up. In order to gain compliance and submissiveness from her daughter, the mother resorted to saying "I a sick of you. I hate you. Go away. Find someone else to yell at. I can't stand you. I dont want you. Get out of my sight". *tear*
The daughter apologizes to her mother for her behavior.
When I read this, I immediately thought of how cruel this mother was. How immature and naive does this woman have to be to not realize that words hurt. And they linger in a childs life. Thinking of my own Mommie, I cant imagine ever hearing these words from her! It would have broken my heart to the core! And I would imagine that the first time this mother used this power play against her daughter, it broke her daughters heart, as well. But I'm sure that the daughter also quickly learned that her mothers words are rather empty threats and she moved on. I can only imagine, though, how these outbursts from her mother will affect this little girl :-(
Point? "Biblically, the method is as important as the objectives". As Tripp states, "(God) is concerned not only with what we do, but also how we do it" (pg 59).
This is applicable in all areas of life, friends. How we go about accomplishing our goals is important! In remembering that WE are the examples to our children, lets be mindful of this truth. How we go about getting a promotion at work is important. Are we acting with disciplined integrity or manipulative actions? How we go about everything shows what we honor and treasure the most. Again, it is not our actions (alone) that should concern us... the actions are a symptom of the heart! But if we are likely to justify our actions, knowing that God wants more from us and for us, than our heart needs a deeper examination.
We gather our unbiblical methods from a variety of places; books and magazines, tv programs, "experts" and our own human standard of how we were raised help form those methods.
My favorite line from the "I didn't turn out so bad" method: "He has simply drawn from his survival the implication that it wasn't that bad".. Friends, I had FABULOUS parents! God-loving parents! However, there are things that could have been done differently that would have been beneficial for my raising. Any humble parent who believes in biblical child rearing and who is honest with themselves will be willing to admit that we ALL as parents have shortcomings. We should ALL encourage our children to take the good of what we have passed on, discard the worldly stuff we let creep in, and lovingly desire for them to be better parents than we were! I certainly hope that my kids do a better job with my grandchildren that we are doing with them.
The topics of "Pop Psychology" and "Behavior Modification" totally hit me like a brick wall. I like to think that I do not bribe my children. At all. But I read this section and, I swear, I felt like I was reading the story of our life! It just goes to remind me that what I desire and what I do are not always the same. Sometimes, I think that all of us can sort of "re-write" history (or today even!) in our minds as we think through what we WANT to be happening in our homes. On occasion, its good to have someone (or a book) help us to realize that reality is not quite that idealistic picture we have in our heads. REALITY CHECK! *as a side note, this bribery almost always takes place in regards to food. "eat all of your dinner and you can have a treat". Is there anything "wrong" with that? No. Probably not. But ideally (and i KNOW it can happen b/c we've been working on this!) my children will eat and be full or will not eat and will be hungry. It is their choice. The issue i found with bribing is that my daughter would then hold out on eating and when I would say "you need to eat or you'll be hungry" she would respond with "okay. so if i eat good i can have a brownie?" Um, NO! haha! smart little boogers these kids are! We have since went through a detox of treats as rewards and are doing great). This is why it is SO important to be INTENTIONAL in our parenting, friends. When we parent in the moment, we do not think clearly and tend to deal with just the behavior, not the heart. This type of long term, intentional parenting takes time and is something we are all working towards at all times. And none of us will ever really "arrive" at a finish line :-)
The point that Tripp makes that "when mother (isn't) around to notice good behavior, there (is) no point in being good" makes clear that our concern must be our childrens motives. For those of us with little ones not yet in school, we must make the most of each day to address their heart; for one day all too soon our children will not be with us as they make decisions and whether or not we have addressed their hearts will be abundantly clear.
Emotionalism is a nasty, dirty method I deplore. I've had it used on me by loved ones in the past and for YEARS, guilt was an effective way to shape and mold my behavior. And now? Well, I get angry when people try to manipulate me with emotionalism. Make no doubt about it, as our children grow and mature, this method will NOT work. And the issue bigger than the effectiveness is the fact that nothing about manipulation leads our children to the Gospel nor does it exemplify Christ.
Punitive Correction is, in my opinion, probably the most widely used form of unbiblical correction employed in church's today. Not necessarily in regards to the "impulsive response of angry frustration" type of spanking (although I'm sure this takes place in homes all over the place), but it is the grounding I'm speaking of. I've never been a fan of grounding, so I was glad to hear from someone else that it may not be the best choice, either. "Grounding is not designed to do something for the child; it is designed to do something against him. Grounding is not corrective. It is simply punitive" .
"I have often wondered why grounding is so universally popular.
I believe it is because it is easy. It doesn't require ongoing interaction.
It does not require ongoing discussion. It does not assess what is going
on inside the child. IT does not require patient instruction and entreaty."
Yes, I was grounded as a teenager. Once. And I hate to say it, but it was not effective in the situation. What WAS effective, however, was the discussion my Daddy had with me. The over an hour long talk that took place that explored what I had done wrong, why it was wrong biblically, how it hurt him and my Mommie and what would have to be done to regain trust eventually. That conversation broke my heart. The grounding was nothing compared to the heartbreak I had caused my parents and God.
Lastly, there are the parents who will try ANYTHING for a short period of time. And I'll just admit, I can see where parents are so desperate to see change in their families that they would jump from one method to the next. But this only leaves kids feeling confused and sure of only one thing; the rules for today will change tomorrow..
"Addressing the child's heart unbiblically plays to the corruption of his heart as an idolater and provides him with functional idols around which to organize his life".
If when our kids are struggling with obeying at home or in school, doing school work, cleaning their rooms, etc... if when a behavior problem shows through and all we do is take away a privlidge, we have missed a huge opportunity. Do NOT misunderstand me, please. I am not suggesting that there should not be consequences for actions. If a child is having a hard time in school, taking away the things that distract her is kind of a "duh" thing ;-) But we cant leave it at that. We have the opportunity to probe our childrens hearts. To ask "Are you doing your very best, for the glory of God? Are you offering all of your skills and ability to learn so as to utilize what God gifted you with?" (no, not in those words perhaps! haha).
Which brings me to something that has been heavy on my own heart this week.
As (the few of you still following) you may know, the last few weeks around here have been HECTIC. Ear infections and sicknesses have been rampant in our home! And its just been crazy, honestly. And in that craziness, we have lost a good bit of routine. Spiritual disciplines of bible time and prayer time with the kids has been on a decline and tv time on the rise.
And, not surprisingly, I've found myself doing more correcting. Yes, the kids have been sick and I make more allowances when they are not well. But as they've been better, I'm continuing to correct.
And this is probably a "duh" thing to most people, but it was a refreshing thought that the Lord brought to me one day. I cannot teach my children of Gods love and goodness when the ONLY time they are taught of Him is when I am correcting. Spiritual disciplines teach my children who the God of the bible is. And then it is their choice to love Him and choose to follow Him. But the chances of them choosing to follow Him is much GREATER when they are taught on neutral, positive ground. And on the flip side, there is much less of a chance that they will choose to follow if their only exposure to Him is during discipline..
Weekly Application:
-Spend time each day teaching your children about God. Try to do bible time (reading) each day. But even when you don't have time, make sure to incorporate Gods word into your daily activities. As you clean your home, tell your children the story of Martha and Mary and how, while its good to keep things clean, we must always recognize and prioritize people! As you see a chance to take some goodies to a neighbor suffering with cancer, tell your children that you are doing this because he, too, is Gods child. Someone that God loves and who is hurting right now. And that we love God so much that we love those who he loves. When your child doesnt want to share a toy, ask him if he is "preferring one another above himself" and share about how God wants us to think of others first. (Deuteronomy 11:18-19
18
Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.
19
Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.)
-Take off the blinders as to what methods you are employing in your home. And pray for discernment!
Showing posts with label Shepherding a Childs Heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shepherding a Childs Heart. Show all posts
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Shepherding A Childs Heart: Chapter 6
I could list excuses... lets just say I'm sorry I was AWOL. Out of town, kids sick, etc...
And I mentioned that its common to struggle with sticking with something past week 4-5, right?
Yeah...
Time to REWORK OUR GOALS!!!
All goals must pass one litmus test. Does this goal lead our child to glorify God and enjoy Him forever?
Now, in revisiting the typical goals, we can compare some non-biblical goals to what some Christ-centered goals may look like. When thinking of social development, Tripp mentions that there are loads of parents who will send their children to private school (for whatever reasons as i'm sure they vary) but will send the kids to a dance class. I love what he says on pg 50, "They will refuse to have them influenced by secular humanism in school, but will expose them to unbiblical ideas of beauty in dance class".
He goes on to challenge us to ask ourselves why we put our children in activities to begin with. Is it to grow their self worth? To help them find something they are good at so they will be proud? So they will find friends? To trust themselves?...
While none of these things are "bad" in our culture, the bible calls it foolishness! God warns us to not trust ourselves. To not be dependent on ourselves. To not be prideful. Instead, it is in our best interest and will give God the most glory when we trust HIM. Depend on HIM. Boast only in HIM. So, while activities are fun and can be helpful in lots of areas of life, guard yourself and your childs heart that you do not look to fulfill a part of your life in an ungodly way via this vehicle.
On a personal note, I thought that the warnings Tripp gives about prioritizing practice for some skill while the family struggles to spend time in biblical disciplines each day is so convicting. It is my personal hope and prayer that until we prioritize our time at home more appropriately, we will not add more to our plate. How foolish to think that if we add more to our plate we will somehow plan better or that the additional activities will give us accountability in some way. "Ok, if we let our child sign up for ballet, we HAVE to start making sure we read the bible and pray each day with her or we'll have to stop ballet". Really? We're great negotiators with ourselves. And we may do better for a while, but we slip back and justify avoiding the spiritual disciplines.
About that... can i just say that instilling into your children the importance of spiritual disciplines is a HUGE GIFT!?! Take it from someone who grew up in a Christian home but who was never made to practice the disciplines. I saw my Daddy read his bible daily. Saw him pray daily. But never was it expected of me nor was I included. I'm not saying I'm some sort of victim... my Mommie and Daddy both came from homes where living a Christian life was not lived out by their parents. Each generation, however, has the opportunity to see where they have done well or could do better. And this is something I want to do better with my children!
"Abilities should be developed because God has given the stewardship of talents and special capabilities. Skills that would make your children more able to serve and open channels of ministry to others should be encouraged" (pg 50). LOVE THIS!!!
Moving on to the parents concern for their childs Psychological Adjustment. Did anyone else struggle with the example of how we should teach our children to deal with bullies? Did anyone else think, "yeah, i know its Godly and biblical to show compassion and love to everyone. But if someone hurts my child, I'll kill 'em"?! haha! Really, this is one area that is extremely difficult as a parent. But we MUST trust God! We MUST as parents practice this very truth of turning away wrath with a kind word. Things that seem against our culture are the very things that set us apart (sanctify) us...make people wonder why we do the things we do. And then we have the opportunity to share that its our love for JESUS that makes us do this! And that, my friend, is how God is glorified!!!
The concern of seeing our children "Get Saved" is of upmost importance to all Christian parents. Of course it is our greatest desire that our Children would accept Christ as their savior. But I love what Tripp says about this, "Perhaps one of the problems with this perspective is that it looks for a major spiritual event of salvation and misses the spiritual process of nurturing your children...
It is our task to faithfully teach our children the ways of God. It is the Holy Spirit's task to work through the Word of God to change their hearts."
Its interesting to me that somehow as "the church" we have come to accept that salvation comes as a result of a specific prayer. I'll admit that at one point as a teen, I felt it was "necessary" to pray a "sinners prayer" but really, I dont know that to be biblical. The issue i see with this is twofold: 1. the sinners prayer can be a false crutch for someone who may have said the words but never had a heart change and 2. for someone who has believed in their heart and confessed with their mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord but who has never gone to an alter and prayed this prayer, they may feel insecure in their salvation. Anyhoo, that was a rabbit trail. But just a word to all of us to look for REPENTANCE and FAITH not as a one time initiation to Christianity, as Tripp says, but as the way we relate to God. "Faith is not just the way to get saved; it is the lifeline of Christian living" (pg 53).
In thinking about Family worship as a goal... it is a MEANS to getting to know God. If family worship for our family is just another task to check off the list, then we have missed the point. Our family worship must be creative and flexible. And age appropriate! Do whatever you need to do to make a story real for your children! To help them to get into the shoes of the characters and to imagine all of the hopes and dreams and fears of these people as they obeyed (or didnt) Gods Word.
The goal of Well Behaved Children! OH, how I struggle with this! I get compliments daily about how polite Rhyan is. She says please and thank you and no thank you and you're welcome regularly, without being prompted :-) Makes me smile, of course. But why does it make me smile? I'll admit, its easy to take pleasure because when she receives a compliment, it is partially a compliment to Jeff and I as her parents. But this is a less than worthy reason to be pleased! As Tripp reminds us, "when saying 'please' and 'thank you' are rooted in what it means to look out for the interests of others, they become expressions of biblical love". When we train our children to be polite because they care for others and when they care for others because they love Jesus and see each person as His creation, it brings a deep joy rather than the superficial joy of knowing they are simply doing what is culturally expected.
And finally, the goal of giving our children a Good Education. Am I the only kid who used to get paid for good grades?! I've long since my school years understood the fallacy in this way of thinking, so it was so nice to see it addressed in a book :-) Dont get me wrong, I enjoyed making money off of my efforts. But in reality, my efforts were minimal. School was easy for me. In retrospect, my parents should have been more concerned with teaching me to do all things as unto the Lord. Because in all honesty, I was lazy and got good grades. Unfortunately, that is how school work was for me (please understand that I am not trying to brag about the ease of school work for me. I refused to take classes that challenged me in high school because i like for things to be easy... NOT a good trait). FAITHFULNESS of the abilities God has given me should have been my parents main concern regarding school. I'm so grateful to be married to a teacher who understands and agrees that the grade is simply a measuring stick by which we can see what we are gifted in or struggle with. Its interesting to me that we see it as normal that our kids are not great at every sport, yet we think they should excel at every subject. It simply will not happen. And we should not expect for it to! Faithfulness and diligence to work hard and do the best they can should be our hopes for our children in regards to education!
WEEKLY APPLICATION:
-As we continue to examine our goals, how do we replace our old goals with new ones? If we do not replace them intentionally and with thought, we are likely to do so unintentionally and unbiblically (think of a smoker who gives up cigarettes... they are likely to turn to food, etc)
-Continue to pray for discernment regarding your childs heart. SIDE NOTE/PERSONAL STORY: this week, Rhyan did something BIG in my book. She asked for a tootsie roll at 8am. A little early to start with candy ;-) I was on the phone but told her no (there was no mistaking my answer). A few minutes went by and I called for her with no answer. I looked down the hall and saw that her door was closed. I went in and saw her chewing on the tootsie roll. Her first question to me? "You gonna spank me, Mommy?". Long story short, she spit out the candy and we talked about how she had done what Adam and Eve had done; disobeyed and tried to hide it. We talked about how she has to trust Mommy and Daddy and even though she may think something is not a big deal, she must still obey. I asked her some heart probing questions and we talked some more. And then I spanked her. It broke my heart! It was the first time she had tried to hide her disobedience from me and it just broke my heart. Just a reminder that we ARE shepherding our children's hearts and we have opportunities to do so daily!
And I mentioned that its common to struggle with sticking with something past week 4-5, right?
Yeah...
Time to REWORK OUR GOALS!!!
All goals must pass one litmus test. Does this goal lead our child to glorify God and enjoy Him forever?
Now, in revisiting the typical goals, we can compare some non-biblical goals to what some Christ-centered goals may look like. When thinking of social development, Tripp mentions that there are loads of parents who will send their children to private school (for whatever reasons as i'm sure they vary) but will send the kids to a dance class. I love what he says on pg 50, "They will refuse to have them influenced by secular humanism in school, but will expose them to unbiblical ideas of beauty in dance class".
He goes on to challenge us to ask ourselves why we put our children in activities to begin with. Is it to grow their self worth? To help them find something they are good at so they will be proud? So they will find friends? To trust themselves?...
While none of these things are "bad" in our culture, the bible calls it foolishness! God warns us to not trust ourselves. To not be dependent on ourselves. To not be prideful. Instead, it is in our best interest and will give God the most glory when we trust HIM. Depend on HIM. Boast only in HIM. So, while activities are fun and can be helpful in lots of areas of life, guard yourself and your childs heart that you do not look to fulfill a part of your life in an ungodly way via this vehicle.
On a personal note, I thought that the warnings Tripp gives about prioritizing practice for some skill while the family struggles to spend time in biblical disciplines each day is so convicting. It is my personal hope and prayer that until we prioritize our time at home more appropriately, we will not add more to our plate. How foolish to think that if we add more to our plate we will somehow plan better or that the additional activities will give us accountability in some way. "Ok, if we let our child sign up for ballet, we HAVE to start making sure we read the bible and pray each day with her or we'll have to stop ballet". Really? We're great negotiators with ourselves. And we may do better for a while, but we slip back and justify avoiding the spiritual disciplines.
About that... can i just say that instilling into your children the importance of spiritual disciplines is a HUGE GIFT!?! Take it from someone who grew up in a Christian home but who was never made to practice the disciplines. I saw my Daddy read his bible daily. Saw him pray daily. But never was it expected of me nor was I included. I'm not saying I'm some sort of victim... my Mommie and Daddy both came from homes where living a Christian life was not lived out by their parents. Each generation, however, has the opportunity to see where they have done well or could do better. And this is something I want to do better with my children!
"Abilities should be developed because God has given the stewardship of talents and special capabilities. Skills that would make your children more able to serve and open channels of ministry to others should be encouraged" (pg 50). LOVE THIS!!!
Moving on to the parents concern for their childs Psychological Adjustment. Did anyone else struggle with the example of how we should teach our children to deal with bullies? Did anyone else think, "yeah, i know its Godly and biblical to show compassion and love to everyone. But if someone hurts my child, I'll kill 'em"?! haha! Really, this is one area that is extremely difficult as a parent. But we MUST trust God! We MUST as parents practice this very truth of turning away wrath with a kind word. Things that seem against our culture are the very things that set us apart (sanctify) us...make people wonder why we do the things we do. And then we have the opportunity to share that its our love for JESUS that makes us do this! And that, my friend, is how God is glorified!!!
The concern of seeing our children "Get Saved" is of upmost importance to all Christian parents. Of course it is our greatest desire that our Children would accept Christ as their savior. But I love what Tripp says about this, "Perhaps one of the problems with this perspective is that it looks for a major spiritual event of salvation and misses the spiritual process of nurturing your children...
It is our task to faithfully teach our children the ways of God. It is the Holy Spirit's task to work through the Word of God to change their hearts."
Its interesting to me that somehow as "the church" we have come to accept that salvation comes as a result of a specific prayer. I'll admit that at one point as a teen, I felt it was "necessary" to pray a "sinners prayer" but really, I dont know that to be biblical. The issue i see with this is twofold: 1. the sinners prayer can be a false crutch for someone who may have said the words but never had a heart change and 2. for someone who has believed in their heart and confessed with their mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord but who has never gone to an alter and prayed this prayer, they may feel insecure in their salvation. Anyhoo, that was a rabbit trail. But just a word to all of us to look for REPENTANCE and FAITH not as a one time initiation to Christianity, as Tripp says, but as the way we relate to God. "Faith is not just the way to get saved; it is the lifeline of Christian living" (pg 53).
In thinking about Family worship as a goal... it is a MEANS to getting to know God. If family worship for our family is just another task to check off the list, then we have missed the point. Our family worship must be creative and flexible. And age appropriate! Do whatever you need to do to make a story real for your children! To help them to get into the shoes of the characters and to imagine all of the hopes and dreams and fears of these people as they obeyed (or didnt) Gods Word.
The goal of Well Behaved Children! OH, how I struggle with this! I get compliments daily about how polite Rhyan is. She says please and thank you and no thank you and you're welcome regularly, without being prompted :-) Makes me smile, of course. But why does it make me smile? I'll admit, its easy to take pleasure because when she receives a compliment, it is partially a compliment to Jeff and I as her parents. But this is a less than worthy reason to be pleased! As Tripp reminds us, "when saying 'please' and 'thank you' are rooted in what it means to look out for the interests of others, they become expressions of biblical love". When we train our children to be polite because they care for others and when they care for others because they love Jesus and see each person as His creation, it brings a deep joy rather than the superficial joy of knowing they are simply doing what is culturally expected.
And finally, the goal of giving our children a Good Education. Am I the only kid who used to get paid for good grades?! I've long since my school years understood the fallacy in this way of thinking, so it was so nice to see it addressed in a book :-) Dont get me wrong, I enjoyed making money off of my efforts. But in reality, my efforts were minimal. School was easy for me. In retrospect, my parents should have been more concerned with teaching me to do all things as unto the Lord. Because in all honesty, I was lazy and got good grades. Unfortunately, that is how school work was for me (please understand that I am not trying to brag about the ease of school work for me. I refused to take classes that challenged me in high school because i like for things to be easy... NOT a good trait). FAITHFULNESS of the abilities God has given me should have been my parents main concern regarding school. I'm so grateful to be married to a teacher who understands and agrees that the grade is simply a measuring stick by which we can see what we are gifted in or struggle with. Its interesting to me that we see it as normal that our kids are not great at every sport, yet we think they should excel at every subject. It simply will not happen. And we should not expect for it to! Faithfulness and diligence to work hard and do the best they can should be our hopes for our children in regards to education!
WEEKLY APPLICATION:
-As we continue to examine our goals, how do we replace our old goals with new ones? If we do not replace them intentionally and with thought, we are likely to do so unintentionally and unbiblically (think of a smoker who gives up cigarettes... they are likely to turn to food, etc)
-Continue to pray for discernment regarding your childs heart. SIDE NOTE/PERSONAL STORY: this week, Rhyan did something BIG in my book. She asked for a tootsie roll at 8am. A little early to start with candy ;-) I was on the phone but told her no (there was no mistaking my answer). A few minutes went by and I called for her with no answer. I looked down the hall and saw that her door was closed. I went in and saw her chewing on the tootsie roll. Her first question to me? "You gonna spank me, Mommy?". Long story short, she spit out the candy and we talked about how she had done what Adam and Eve had done; disobeyed and tried to hide it. We talked about how she has to trust Mommy and Daddy and even though she may think something is not a big deal, she must still obey. I asked her some heart probing questions and we talked some more. And then I spanked her. It broke my heart! It was the first time she had tried to hide her disobedience from me and it just broke my heart. Just a reminder that we ARE shepherding our children's hearts and we have opportunities to do so daily!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Shepherding a Childs Heart: Chapter 5
Examining our goals!
So, hopefully we were all able to get our spouses to read the book and we sat down or maybe even went on a DATE NIGHT! (whats that again?!) and discussed some of our training objectives, child's strengths and weaknesses and develop some goals and strategies for parenting.
Or, you're still hoping your husband will find time/God will give him the desire to read, you're confused about this term "date night" and you are hoping that one day you'll find time to consider some training objectives ;-)
Regardless of where you are (i'm closer to the latter of the two sentences... my husband is in his masters degree and I dont think you could PAY him to read another book right now), the fact that we are all gaining awareness is key. Meditating on these new principles is the next step to making change!
In chapter 5, Tripp discusses some unbiblical goals that are not worthy of the time and effort that so many parents put into them. Some parents spend so much time either working with their child or hiring others to do the job so as to make them a prodigy of some sort. They put so much time and attention focused towards a particular sport or dance or playing an instrument that they put all else aside. And for many, cast aside are all concerns of their childs exposure to biblical instruction. All of this is determined by what a parents definition of success is. And our main question must be: what is a biblical definition of success!??
Then there are other parents who are far more concerned with their childs psychological adjustment in the world. Who cares if little Johnny can play an instrument, he needs to know how to play the world like a fiddle! They are all concerned with their childs self esteem. Unfortunately, this parent seems to forget that biblical attitudes focus more on others than ourselves. Yes, it is wise to be introspective. But so that we can see our own faults and strengths and pray for help where needed and give God glory where deserved!
And I think that most of us can at least to some extent identify with the unbiblical goal of wanting to see our children get saved. But then, we should all know that salvation does not take away life's troubles. Nor will it make our child an angel. It is a step of submission and the beginning of having a deeper understanding of God, but salvation in no way is a "fix it". We are not done parenting when our child accepts the Lord as their savior... indeed, discipleship has just begun at that point!
Then, there are some parents who put so much emphasis on family worship time, yet, it does not translate into a daily fleshing out of faith...
And then we hit the one that certainly hit me the hardest: the unbiblical goal of having well behaved children. As Tripp states, "Having well behaved children is not a worthy goal. It is a great secondary benefit of biblical childrearing" (pg 43). Why? "When being well-mannered is severed from biblical roots in servanthood, manners become a classy tool of manipulation" (43).
Ok, lets take a break from our children for a moment. Am I the only one thinking "OUCH!" from that statement?! Oh, what a cooperative rebel I am. How well I behave in order to gain the approval and acceptance of others... not because I love the Lord, trust that doing good to others is best and most glorifying for Him... Back to examining my own heart! The more we read and become aware of, there more we find to work on :-)
And we probably all know someone who has made it their life's goal to be sure that their child is the most educated person around. Offering only the best private schools hoping for the highest of achievements and awards. Again, is there anything wrong with this? Not in and of itself. It is when this becomes a goal primary to raising our children to glorify God and enjoy him forever that it becomes a problem...
Finally, there are the parents (like me) who are control freaks and who desire children who are manageable. These parents have really no parenting goals that are related to the childrens character development... rather, all parenting is focused on the convenience and ease on the parent.
The Biblical warning against cultural influence section was really convicting to me. Primarily because I am struggling with some convictions of how we, as Christians, have totally become imbedded in the culture of america, so much so as to ignore biblical instruction :-( Tripp reminds us again of our MASSIVE responsibility as a parent:
"If you teach (your children) to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents, and intelligence to make their lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God"
By pandering to desires and wishes, tripp explains, we teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things. We encourage the sin of materialism by delighting in their enjoyment of posessions.
Our objective is clear and concise: SET BEFORE OUR CHILDREN A BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW. Teach them that they are CREATURES MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD- MADE FOR GOD.
They are not... and WE are not... made for this world. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the goodness of this world, but when our focus on the things of this world overrides our desire to be in Gods will, there is a problem.
The last section on sending mixed signals is brilliant, in my opinion. Even in disciplining a 3 year old, when they see the "reason" to obey as being "to make mommy happy" or "avoid a spanking", they are missing the point. Because we are not showing them the real point. I'd also like to add that I firmly believe that it is precisely this type of parenting that leads to rebellious teens. Give your child no better reason to obey then "because I said so" (how many of us heard this growing up?) and dont be shocked when they no longer find that to be a compelling reason to resist their flesh.
Weekly Application:
1. Think about what you consider to be success. How is it that you and your spouse are pursuing success in this world. Is your pursuit of success confirming or sending mixed signals to your children regarding biblical success? Talk about this with your spouse... we all may find that our OWN goals for life may look a little different!
2. Continue to meditate on what you have learned/been made aware of so far. Pray daily, BEFORE getting your children out of bed for wisdom, guidance and discernment for opportunities to teach them the true definition of success.
So, hopefully we were all able to get our spouses to read the book and we sat down or maybe even went on a DATE NIGHT! (whats that again?!) and discussed some of our training objectives, child's strengths and weaknesses and develop some goals and strategies for parenting.
Or, you're still hoping your husband will find time/God will give him the desire to read, you're confused about this term "date night" and you are hoping that one day you'll find time to consider some training objectives ;-)
Regardless of where you are (i'm closer to the latter of the two sentences... my husband is in his masters degree and I dont think you could PAY him to read another book right now), the fact that we are all gaining awareness is key. Meditating on these new principles is the next step to making change!
In chapter 5, Tripp discusses some unbiblical goals that are not worthy of the time and effort that so many parents put into them. Some parents spend so much time either working with their child or hiring others to do the job so as to make them a prodigy of some sort. They put so much time and attention focused towards a particular sport or dance or playing an instrument that they put all else aside. And for many, cast aside are all concerns of their childs exposure to biblical instruction. All of this is determined by what a parents definition of success is. And our main question must be: what is a biblical definition of success!??
Then there are other parents who are far more concerned with their childs psychological adjustment in the world. Who cares if little Johnny can play an instrument, he needs to know how to play the world like a fiddle! They are all concerned with their childs self esteem. Unfortunately, this parent seems to forget that biblical attitudes focus more on others than ourselves. Yes, it is wise to be introspective. But so that we can see our own faults and strengths and pray for help where needed and give God glory where deserved!
And I think that most of us can at least to some extent identify with the unbiblical goal of wanting to see our children get saved. But then, we should all know that salvation does not take away life's troubles. Nor will it make our child an angel. It is a step of submission and the beginning of having a deeper understanding of God, but salvation in no way is a "fix it". We are not done parenting when our child accepts the Lord as their savior... indeed, discipleship has just begun at that point!
Then, there are some parents who put so much emphasis on family worship time, yet, it does not translate into a daily fleshing out of faith...
And then we hit the one that certainly hit me the hardest: the unbiblical goal of having well behaved children. As Tripp states, "Having well behaved children is not a worthy goal. It is a great secondary benefit of biblical childrearing" (pg 43). Why? "When being well-mannered is severed from biblical roots in servanthood, manners become a classy tool of manipulation" (43).
Ok, lets take a break from our children for a moment. Am I the only one thinking "OUCH!" from that statement?! Oh, what a cooperative rebel I am. How well I behave in order to gain the approval and acceptance of others... not because I love the Lord, trust that doing good to others is best and most glorifying for Him... Back to examining my own heart! The more we read and become aware of, there more we find to work on :-)
And we probably all know someone who has made it their life's goal to be sure that their child is the most educated person around. Offering only the best private schools hoping for the highest of achievements and awards. Again, is there anything wrong with this? Not in and of itself. It is when this becomes a goal primary to raising our children to glorify God and enjoy him forever that it becomes a problem...
Finally, there are the parents (like me) who are control freaks and who desire children who are manageable. These parents have really no parenting goals that are related to the childrens character development... rather, all parenting is focused on the convenience and ease on the parent.
The Biblical warning against cultural influence section was really convicting to me. Primarily because I am struggling with some convictions of how we, as Christians, have totally become imbedded in the culture of america, so much so as to ignore biblical instruction :-( Tripp reminds us again of our MASSIVE responsibility as a parent:
"If you teach (your children) to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents, and intelligence to make their lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God"
By pandering to desires and wishes, tripp explains, we teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things. We encourage the sin of materialism by delighting in their enjoyment of posessions.
Our objective is clear and concise: SET BEFORE OUR CHILDREN A BIBLICAL WORLDVIEW. Teach them that they are CREATURES MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD- MADE FOR GOD.
They are not... and WE are not... made for this world. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the goodness of this world, but when our focus on the things of this world overrides our desire to be in Gods will, there is a problem.
The last section on sending mixed signals is brilliant, in my opinion. Even in disciplining a 3 year old, when they see the "reason" to obey as being "to make mommy happy" or "avoid a spanking", they are missing the point. Because we are not showing them the real point. I'd also like to add that I firmly believe that it is precisely this type of parenting that leads to rebellious teens. Give your child no better reason to obey then "because I said so" (how many of us heard this growing up?) and dont be shocked when they no longer find that to be a compelling reason to resist their flesh.
Weekly Application:
1. Think about what you consider to be success. How is it that you and your spouse are pursuing success in this world. Is your pursuit of success confirming or sending mixed signals to your children regarding biblical success? Talk about this with your spouse... we all may find that our OWN goals for life may look a little different!
2. Continue to meditate on what you have learned/been made aware of so far. Pray daily, BEFORE getting your children out of bed for wisdom, guidance and discernment for opportunities to teach them the true definition of success.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Shepherding A Child's Heart: Chapter 4
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YOU'RE IN CHARGE!
Oh my! How badly I needed to read this chapter this week!
Tripp begins this chapter by prompting some great questions that each of us need to explore: "What is the nature of the parent's authority over a child? Is it absolute or relative? Is the authority vested in the parent because of the relative size difference between parents and young children? Are we in charge because we are smarter and more experienced? Are we called to rule because we are not sinners and they are? Do we have the right to tell our kids to do anything we want them to do?" (pg 27)
Wow! That's a lot to think about! However, Tripp makes a GREAT point; if we dont answer questions like this, we will be timid/tentative and insecure in guiding/parenting our children!
How true! This is exactly what I find my out of control mind pondering at times (mostly when my 15 month old makes me question my sanity). "Who am I, anyways, to expect him to behave a certain way?" Well, obviously the 1st problem is that my question is aimed at correcting behavior. BAD sin nature (insert my own slap on the wrist here). The second issue being that for whatever reason, momentary lapses in sanity make me wonder if it's really ok for me to have high expectations of my children.
Thank you Ted Tripp for reminding me that God not only allows it, but he mandates it!!! For some reason, my own heart deceives me at times (hello Jeremiah 17:9) and makes me think otherwise. I truly believe that this is due to our cultures distorted view of authority!
Tripp reminds us that our culture does not have a biblical understanding of authority (pg 27... yes, we're still on the 2nd page of the chapter... this is a GOOD chapter!). He says that "we think of authority as derived either from overwhelming force or consent. Therefore, the only way we can respond is either with rebellion or servility. Our culture has no notion of intelligent, thinking persons willingly placing themselves under authority". But he reminds us that Psalms 119:44-45 states clearly that "Freedom is not found in autonomy, it is found in obedience".
To expand on that just a bit, I read a book called "Babywise" that I have used in learning to schedule our children's lives. It has been a great blessing in our home. Anyhoo, I remember the authors discussing this principle of boundaries and obedience and how freedom is found within. They gave this example of a group of kids playing on the school yard and hovering right around the fence. A psychologist observed this and told the school that the fence needed to be removed because the kids hovered too closely to it and were not creative, etc. The fence was removed and suddenly they observed that all of the kids hovered in the middle of the playground, unsure of where the boundaries were. They were even less creative in their play due to the lack of boundaries. Yes, boundaries/obedience creates freedom, it does not stifle it! Boundaries are not "bad". They are intended for protection and great freedom can be found within. :-)
I also loved how Tripp discusses (again on pg 27) our parenting goals often being no more noble than basically avoiding conflict, offering comfort and convenience. Often time, parenting is for the parents convenience, not the child's good.
This reminds me of my very favorite saying: "God uses all things for our good and His glory". Its kind of my motto in life, especially in hard times. Its a wonderful reminder that even the negative, difficult times are meant for my good. And so it is with our children. What an incredible disservice we offer to our children if our primary goal is to avoid conflict or discomfort for our children. What valuable lessons, for their GOOD, would be learned through such times that we are allowing them to avoid!?!
Before I have any readers thinking "oh no, this is going to be another crazy group of people who beat their children all "in the name of God" and get away with it", let me be clear on a HUGE overarching principle in this book (and in Gods word!): a loving and kind authority reflective of the character of God will not abuse such a role, but will rather take the responsibility seriously to guide their children. This will never result in abuse. Communication is key. Probing your childs heart is key. Correcting behavior is secondary.
Disclaimer over :-)
"You may not try to shape the lives of your children as it pleases you, but as pleases him" (pg 28)
So, not only are our children under our authority, but WE are under the authority of God! We have differing roles, but the same Master! Therefore, it is of utmost importance that we lead by EXAMPLE. As Tripp states, children learn to become wise decision makers when they see their parents
“modeling and instructing wise direction and decision making on their behalf.” Children learn to respect authority because they see us respect authority. They learn to make good choices because they see us make good choices. They are the ultimate "apprentice". The question is, are we a good model for them to follow?
UNHOLY ANGER: I think that this is likely an issue for most parents. Particularly those of us who will own up to being control freaks :-( Or is that just me?! Nine times out of ten, when I am angry at my children, it is NOT over sin. It is because they are not doing what I want them to do. I spend a LOT of time asking forgiveness from God and even from my children (if I act on my unholy anger). I am pleased to say that I've been working on this for a while and while its still a HUGE issue for me, I have seen the Lord be faithful and show me so much grace in this arena. I now typically deal with my unholy anger internally and do not express it in any way. Sometimes I do an internal scream (keep your mouth closed and scream a little... yes, i have some issues, perhaps!) to let out my frustration but honestly, I think we often times have to find some way to cope in frustrating situations with our children. This works for me for now. I pray diligently that one day, i will posses the wisdom and discipline to not even be bothered by the silly stuff. But for now...
The main problem with unholy anger is this: "Anger that your child is not doing what you want frames discipline as a problem between parent and child, not as a problem between the child and God". (29).
The dialogue, while perhaps a bit out of our comfort zones at first, found on pg 29 and 30 is actually a fantastic way to help a child understand and see you obeying Gods command in discipline. Helping a child understand 1. What they did to require discipline 2. What the discipline will be and 3. That you are being obedient by disciplining them is SO important. Discipline should be delivered in a calm, objective manner that allows your relationship with your child to be strengthened, not broken. "Unholy human anger may teach your children to fear you. They may even behave better, but it will not bring about biblical righteousness." (34) In fact, it will cause our children to create a subtle idol of the heart; the fear of man.
How tragic that in our own misguided attempts at parenting not only are we sinning, but we are causing our children to create idols in their hearts that the bible warns us against!
Tripp also stresses that we MUST have clear objectives in our parenting. We need training objectives! We need, as parents, to sit down together and (after asking the Lord to give us discernment and wisdom) list our child's strengths and weaknesses... and then develop strategies on ways to strengthen the weaknesses and encourage the strengths!
YOU'RE IN CHARGE!
Oh my! How badly I needed to read this chapter this week!
Tripp begins this chapter by prompting some great questions that each of us need to explore: "What is the nature of the parent's authority over a child? Is it absolute or relative? Is the authority vested in the parent because of the relative size difference between parents and young children? Are we in charge because we are smarter and more experienced? Are we called to rule because we are not sinners and they are? Do we have the right to tell our kids to do anything we want them to do?" (pg 27)
Wow! That's a lot to think about! However, Tripp makes a GREAT point; if we dont answer questions like this, we will be timid/tentative and insecure in guiding/parenting our children!
How true! This is exactly what I find my out of control mind pondering at times (mostly when my 15 month old makes me question my sanity). "Who am I, anyways, to expect him to behave a certain way?" Well, obviously the 1st problem is that my question is aimed at correcting behavior. BAD sin nature (insert my own slap on the wrist here). The second issue being that for whatever reason, momentary lapses in sanity make me wonder if it's really ok for me to have high expectations of my children.
Thank you Ted Tripp for reminding me that God not only allows it, but he mandates it!!! For some reason, my own heart deceives me at times (hello Jeremiah 17:9) and makes me think otherwise. I truly believe that this is due to our cultures distorted view of authority!
Tripp reminds us that our culture does not have a biblical understanding of authority (pg 27... yes, we're still on the 2nd page of the chapter... this is a GOOD chapter!). He says that "we think of authority as derived either from overwhelming force or consent. Therefore, the only way we can respond is either with rebellion or servility. Our culture has no notion of intelligent, thinking persons willingly placing themselves under authority". But he reminds us that Psalms 119:44-45 states clearly that "Freedom is not found in autonomy, it is found in obedience".
To expand on that just a bit, I read a book called "Babywise" that I have used in learning to schedule our children's lives. It has been a great blessing in our home. Anyhoo, I remember the authors discussing this principle of boundaries and obedience and how freedom is found within. They gave this example of a group of kids playing on the school yard and hovering right around the fence. A psychologist observed this and told the school that the fence needed to be removed because the kids hovered too closely to it and were not creative, etc. The fence was removed and suddenly they observed that all of the kids hovered in the middle of the playground, unsure of where the boundaries were. They were even less creative in their play due to the lack of boundaries. Yes, boundaries/obedience creates freedom, it does not stifle it! Boundaries are not "bad". They are intended for protection and great freedom can be found within. :-)
I also loved how Tripp discusses (again on pg 27) our parenting goals often being no more noble than basically avoiding conflict, offering comfort and convenience. Often time, parenting is for the parents convenience, not the child's good.
This reminds me of my very favorite saying: "God uses all things for our good and His glory". Its kind of my motto in life, especially in hard times. Its a wonderful reminder that even the negative, difficult times are meant for my good. And so it is with our children. What an incredible disservice we offer to our children if our primary goal is to avoid conflict or discomfort for our children. What valuable lessons, for their GOOD, would be learned through such times that we are allowing them to avoid!?!
Before I have any readers thinking "oh no, this is going to be another crazy group of people who beat their children all "in the name of God" and get away with it", let me be clear on a HUGE overarching principle in this book (and in Gods word!): a loving and kind authority reflective of the character of God will not abuse such a role, but will rather take the responsibility seriously to guide their children. This will never result in abuse. Communication is key. Probing your childs heart is key. Correcting behavior is secondary.
Disclaimer over :-)
"You may not try to shape the lives of your children as it pleases you, but as pleases him" (pg 28)
So, not only are our children under our authority, but WE are under the authority of God! We have differing roles, but the same Master! Therefore, it is of utmost importance that we lead by EXAMPLE. As Tripp states, children learn to become wise decision makers when they see their parents
“modeling and instructing wise direction and decision making on their behalf.” Children learn to respect authority because they see us respect authority. They learn to make good choices because they see us make good choices. They are the ultimate "apprentice". The question is, are we a good model for them to follow?
UNHOLY ANGER: I think that this is likely an issue for most parents. Particularly those of us who will own up to being control freaks :-( Or is that just me?! Nine times out of ten, when I am angry at my children, it is NOT over sin. It is because they are not doing what I want them to do. I spend a LOT of time asking forgiveness from God and even from my children (if I act on my unholy anger). I am pleased to say that I've been working on this for a while and while its still a HUGE issue for me, I have seen the Lord be faithful and show me so much grace in this arena. I now typically deal with my unholy anger internally and do not express it in any way. Sometimes I do an internal scream (keep your mouth closed and scream a little... yes, i have some issues, perhaps!) to let out my frustration but honestly, I think we often times have to find some way to cope in frustrating situations with our children. This works for me for now. I pray diligently that one day, i will posses the wisdom and discipline to not even be bothered by the silly stuff. But for now...
The main problem with unholy anger is this: "Anger that your child is not doing what you want frames discipline as a problem between parent and child, not as a problem between the child and God". (29).
The dialogue, while perhaps a bit out of our comfort zones at first, found on pg 29 and 30 is actually a fantastic way to help a child understand and see you obeying Gods command in discipline. Helping a child understand 1. What they did to require discipline 2. What the discipline will be and 3. That you are being obedient by disciplining them is SO important. Discipline should be delivered in a calm, objective manner that allows your relationship with your child to be strengthened, not broken. "Unholy human anger may teach your children to fear you. They may even behave better, but it will not bring about biblical righteousness." (34) In fact, it will cause our children to create a subtle idol of the heart; the fear of man.
How tragic that in our own misguided attempts at parenting not only are we sinning, but we are causing our children to create idols in their hearts that the bible warns us against!
Tripp also stresses that we MUST have clear objectives in our parenting. We need training objectives! We need, as parents, to sit down together and (after asking the Lord to give us discernment and wisdom) list our child's strengths and weaknesses... and then develop strategies on ways to strengthen the weaknesses and encourage the strengths!
We should sit down with our spouses and set short-term and
long-term goals for all of our kids. We
must develop strategies for teaching and training them. We must spend time thinking about how to
focus our efforts on attitudes of the heart rather than simple behavior
modification. Finally, we must remain
humble as parents. Understanding that,
in parenting, we are acting as an agent of God should help us to stay both
focused and humble.
APPLICATION:
We only need one thing to work on this week because its a BIGGIE. I truly hope and pray that most if not all of us have seen our husbands interest piqued by this study and that they are willing to read the book. Regardless of their willingness/ability to read, we need to set aside time to discuss our parenting strategies.
Review your previous guide for parenting. What have you corrected and what have you let slid?. What needs correction that you've been putting off? Go through the questions at the end of chapter 4 together and really take time to prayerfully consider the answers!
xoxo
Kelly
Monday, September 17, 2012
Shepherding A Childs Heart: Chapter 3
So far, we've learned that it is our responsibility in parenting to see past behaviors and identify where the heart has gone astray. In short, we must identify sin and then engage our children and ask heart probing questions to help them realize their own sin. We must side WITH our children against sin and always work on behalf of God in discipline.
Then, in chapter 2 we learned that the "shaping influences" (circumstances) in life are a part of what creates the person our child will become.
And in chapter 3, we will discuss what Tripp refers to as "Godward Orientation".
Essentially, our godward orientation is how we view what "life" gives us. People are either positive in their reaction to life's circumstances, negative towards it or plays victim to it. (this was not stated in the book, it is simply my opinion/view). Some people make lemonade out of lemons, so to speak, and others cry that they didnt want the ingredients for lemonade and demand something different. They never learn to take what is offered and make the most. (I'm being reminded of the parable of the talents [found in Matthew 25]... anyone else?!)
Tripp reminds us to constantly keep Proverbs 4:23 on our hearts and lips: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".
As a side note, I think that for the sake of being knowledgeable regarding what God says about our hearts (since so many of us do tend to want to listen to it and make decisions based on it.... well, that and hormones ;-) ) that we also keep reminding ourselves of Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all else and desperately wicked. Who should know it?".
OUCH! So, lesson number 1 for all of us: DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. Do not trust it. Unless it lines up with the Word of God, it cannot be trusted. We must keep our own hearts in check, friends! Before we can recognize the falling away of our children, our hearts must first be attuned to God!
I love how Tripp relates our children's heart's to "the world's smallest battlefield" (pg 22). How true!
We are ALL created for worship and WILL worship something. We are never neutral. We must remind ourselves of this when we feel we are just in a "lazy" period of life spiritually...
One of my very favorite books (which i may do another series on, if we all enjoy this one) is "Changed Into His Image" by Jim Berg. In it, he talks about how we are never neutral because life is never still. Spiritual battles are always waging and we are caught in it. Our relationship with the Lord in life is like being on a river. The current of the river is likened to our flesh/sin nature. Its easy to go the way of the current. To go against the current we have to FIGHT. We have to put in effort! And when we get "lazy", the current takes us away, because it is naturally strong. Lord, give us the strength and the DESIRE to move forward! Even in this study, sharpen our focus and help us to pursue you!
Ok, so that was what we call a "freebie" :-) The point? Our children are not neutral. They are worshiping. And lets face it, the easiest thing to worship as a child is ourselves. I mean, the world does kind of revolve around us as kids, right?! I distinctly remember my daughter hitting a point around 2 years old where her favorite/most used word was "mine". And my response (daily, hourly, etc...) was always the same, "sweetheart, nothing in life is yours. the air you breathe is not yours. the toys you play with are not yours. Everything is Gods or Mommy's. But its not yours" :-) haha....
A review of Psalms 58:3 and 51:5 instruct us that we are born sinful. "Man sins because he is a sinner" (20). And just in case we want to believe that this is true of anyone but our sweet, precious child, the bible discusses subtle idols of the heart being "fear of man, evil desires, lusts, pride... embracing earthly mindsets...setting affections on things below" (21). Who has not seen their child take a toy (evil desires?) or refuse to obey (pride?) or lie? We all do this!
"Part of the parent's task is to shepherd him as a creature who worships, pointing him to teh One who alone is worthy of his worship. The question is not "will he worship?" It is always "whom will he worship?" ". (21, 22).
I also LOVE that Tripp points out that we want the "quality of relationships in your home to reflect the grace of God and the mercy for failing sinners that God's character demonstrates." (22) Punishments need to be appropriate! I have a wonderful patient (have I mentioned that I'm a dental hygienist?) who advised me once to pray that the Lord make known to me some times when I need to extend grace to my children in order that they might know God in a more intimate way. We would not want to do this during initial "training" times (consistency is key) but the Lord can help us recognize a time when our children have been working towards dependence on God and yet fall back into their sinful nature and we can choose to offer grace. This is done with a conversation (ie: Rhyan, I noticed that you did not xyz today. Mommy wishes that you would not have made that choice. You know that when you make that choices, you have to xyz (punishment), however, this once, Mommy and Daddy are not going to punish you, but we want you to know that we did see that and we hope very much that you will make a better choice next time you have the opportunity). I love this and have used it a couple of times with Rhyan and it has been so effective in encouraging her! I was afraid it would have the opposite affect and cause her to misbehave more, but she desired to do good and it was obvious! I am convinced that this is a part of what (at least in our home) has built on the quality of our relationship with Rhyan and I am so grateful for that piece of advice :-)
KEY POINT!
I think that we should all have page 23, 2nd paragraph highlighted!
Selfishness is not outgrown. Rebellion against authority is not outgrown. These things are not outgrown because they are not reflective of immaturity but rather of the idolatry of your child's heart! (sin!!!)
Interestingly enough, I learned this very early on in life. As a child, I watched some family members make the same mistakes over and over and over. And I kept thinking "when they're older they'll grow up". But they never did. Well, I like to think that they have now, but WAY past the age of "adulthood". See, i learned that AGE DOES NOT EQUAL MATURITY. But what I now realize is that maturity was not the sole issue to begin with. It rarely is.
I know that in our conversations regarding shaping influences, some of us had concerns over some things that are out of our control that will undoubetedly be a factor in our child's lives. Well, friends, find hope in biblical stories such as that of JOSEPH, JOB, ESTHER, etc... Time and time again, we see that it is not only the circumstances that impact a person, it is their response to what God is doing! And for this reason, what Tripp states at the end of this chapter is critical! "In all of this you must pray that God will work in and around your efforts and the responses of your children to make them people who know and honor God" (25).
Weekly Application:
1. Consider your child's Godward Orientation. Are their responses reflective of a heart that trusts, honors and loves God or one who feels restrained by Him? Are they seeking approval of others or God?
2. PRAY! Ask the Lord for guidance and discernment. Continue to ask for your heart to be discerning of sin vs annoyances and for perhaps an opportunity to show and share grace with your child.
3. As we reflect on our childrens behavior and responses to correction, we need to once again look at our own lives. Are we rebellious regarding authority figures in our lives? Remember, children will learn behaviors even though their own heart may be softer and they may naturally desire to be in submission to authority... if they see their role models consistently ignoring instruction from a pastor, boss, mother/father, spouse, etc., they are much more likely to replicate that behavior.
Then, in chapter 2 we learned that the "shaping influences" (circumstances) in life are a part of what creates the person our child will become.
And in chapter 3, we will discuss what Tripp refers to as "Godward Orientation".
Essentially, our godward orientation is how we view what "life" gives us. People are either positive in their reaction to life's circumstances, negative towards it or plays victim to it. (this was not stated in the book, it is simply my opinion/view). Some people make lemonade out of lemons, so to speak, and others cry that they didnt want the ingredients for lemonade and demand something different. They never learn to take what is offered and make the most. (I'm being reminded of the parable of the talents [found in Matthew 25]... anyone else?!)
Tripp reminds us to constantly keep Proverbs 4:23 on our hearts and lips: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".
As a side note, I think that for the sake of being knowledgeable regarding what God says about our hearts (since so many of us do tend to want to listen to it and make decisions based on it.... well, that and hormones ;-) ) that we also keep reminding ourselves of Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all else and desperately wicked. Who should know it?".
OUCH! So, lesson number 1 for all of us: DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. Do not trust it. Unless it lines up with the Word of God, it cannot be trusted. We must keep our own hearts in check, friends! Before we can recognize the falling away of our children, our hearts must first be attuned to God!
I love how Tripp relates our children's heart's to "the world's smallest battlefield" (pg 22). How true!
We are ALL created for worship and WILL worship something. We are never neutral. We must remind ourselves of this when we feel we are just in a "lazy" period of life spiritually...
One of my very favorite books (which i may do another series on, if we all enjoy this one) is "Changed Into His Image" by Jim Berg. In it, he talks about how we are never neutral because life is never still. Spiritual battles are always waging and we are caught in it. Our relationship with the Lord in life is like being on a river. The current of the river is likened to our flesh/sin nature. Its easy to go the way of the current. To go against the current we have to FIGHT. We have to put in effort! And when we get "lazy", the current takes us away, because it is naturally strong. Lord, give us the strength and the DESIRE to move forward! Even in this study, sharpen our focus and help us to pursue you!
Ok, so that was what we call a "freebie" :-) The point? Our children are not neutral. They are worshiping. And lets face it, the easiest thing to worship as a child is ourselves. I mean, the world does kind of revolve around us as kids, right?! I distinctly remember my daughter hitting a point around 2 years old where her favorite/most used word was "mine". And my response (daily, hourly, etc...) was always the same, "sweetheart, nothing in life is yours. the air you breathe is not yours. the toys you play with are not yours. Everything is Gods or Mommy's. But its not yours" :-) haha....
A review of Psalms 58:3 and 51:5 instruct us that we are born sinful. "Man sins because he is a sinner" (20). And just in case we want to believe that this is true of anyone but our sweet, precious child, the bible discusses subtle idols of the heart being "fear of man, evil desires, lusts, pride... embracing earthly mindsets...setting affections on things below" (21). Who has not seen their child take a toy (evil desires?) or refuse to obey (pride?) or lie? We all do this!
"Part of the parent's task is to shepherd him as a creature who worships, pointing him to teh One who alone is worthy of his worship. The question is not "will he worship?" It is always "whom will he worship?" ". (21, 22).
I also LOVE that Tripp points out that we want the "quality of relationships in your home to reflect the grace of God and the mercy for failing sinners that God's character demonstrates." (22) Punishments need to be appropriate! I have a wonderful patient (have I mentioned that I'm a dental hygienist?) who advised me once to pray that the Lord make known to me some times when I need to extend grace to my children in order that they might know God in a more intimate way. We would not want to do this during initial "training" times (consistency is key) but the Lord can help us recognize a time when our children have been working towards dependence on God and yet fall back into their sinful nature and we can choose to offer grace. This is done with a conversation (ie: Rhyan, I noticed that you did not xyz today. Mommy wishes that you would not have made that choice. You know that when you make that choices, you have to xyz (punishment), however, this once, Mommy and Daddy are not going to punish you, but we want you to know that we did see that and we hope very much that you will make a better choice next time you have the opportunity). I love this and have used it a couple of times with Rhyan and it has been so effective in encouraging her! I was afraid it would have the opposite affect and cause her to misbehave more, but she desired to do good and it was obvious! I am convinced that this is a part of what (at least in our home) has built on the quality of our relationship with Rhyan and I am so grateful for that piece of advice :-)
KEY POINT!
I think that we should all have page 23, 2nd paragraph highlighted!
Selfishness is not outgrown. Rebellion against authority is not outgrown. These things are not outgrown because they are not reflective of immaturity but rather of the idolatry of your child's heart! (sin!!!)
Interestingly enough, I learned this very early on in life. As a child, I watched some family members make the same mistakes over and over and over. And I kept thinking "when they're older they'll grow up". But they never did. Well, I like to think that they have now, but WAY past the age of "adulthood". See, i learned that AGE DOES NOT EQUAL MATURITY. But what I now realize is that maturity was not the sole issue to begin with. It rarely is.
I know that in our conversations regarding shaping influences, some of us had concerns over some things that are out of our control that will undoubetedly be a factor in our child's lives. Well, friends, find hope in biblical stories such as that of JOSEPH, JOB, ESTHER, etc... Time and time again, we see that it is not only the circumstances that impact a person, it is their response to what God is doing! And for this reason, what Tripp states at the end of this chapter is critical! "In all of this you must pray that God will work in and around your efforts and the responses of your children to make them people who know and honor God" (25).
Weekly Application:
1. Consider your child's Godward Orientation. Are their responses reflective of a heart that trusts, honors and loves God or one who feels restrained by Him? Are they seeking approval of others or God?
2. PRAY! Ask the Lord for guidance and discernment. Continue to ask for your heart to be discerning of sin vs annoyances and for perhaps an opportunity to show and share grace with your child.
3. As we reflect on our childrens behavior and responses to correction, we need to once again look at our own lives. Are we rebellious regarding authority figures in our lives? Remember, children will learn behaviors even though their own heart may be softer and they may naturally desire to be in submission to authority... if they see their role models consistently ignoring instruction from a pastor, boss, mother/father, spouse, etc., they are much more likely to replicate that behavior.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Shepherding: Chapter 2
Your Child's Development: Shaping Influences
A short review so far: Our primary concern is to unmask our child's sin and help him grasp how it reflects a heart that has strayed. In order to do this, we must first unmask our OWN sin (our motives and previous forms of discipline). We must, true to biblical principle, put off those ideas of how children should be raised that were offered to us by the world (even our own family!), put on that which the bible instructs us in and finally, renew our minds daily. Continue to choose to walk away from your children if you feel anger towards them during discipline. This is an action step of faith! We MUST trust that loving discipline, while it may not always bear immediate fruit, is indeed the only discipline that will touch the hearts of our children, therefore producing LASTING change!
In my Small Group last night, the discussion moved towards the topic of parenting (ok, maybe because i brought it up because i'm living and breathing Shepherding ;-) ) and how parenting is related to having an authentic faith. This topic (authentic faith) is one the Lord is bringing into my life and conversations regularly, lately. I am being challenged in ways I've never anticipated! Anyways, we were discussing what authentic faith looks like in general and it occurred to me that seeing as how parenting is SO much of what we do and defines so much of who we are, it is only natural that our faith SHOULD guide our parenting. More than in the general terms of "i want to raise my kids to love God"... we all want that. But how does that translate into action? See, that (the action part) is what sets "faith" (i use this as a general term) apart from a GENUINE, AUTHENTIC faith in my opinion.
The world is full of "cultural christians"; people who do not identify themselves to be hindu, buddhists, muslim, jewish, etc and most closely identify with the beliefs of Chrisitianity. However, the world (and hello, the church) is FULL of these christians who do not look to the God-breathed Word of God for how to do anything, much less raise children! Oh, Lord. Let US be different. As you open our eyes to all that you have to say about bringing up the next generation, allow us to hold one another accountable to not settle for less for our children. For YOUR children! Help us to realize that you have entrusted us with your creations and that their lives are for you to mold. Use us as your instruments, Lord. Help us to be the servant leaders you have called us to be! To lead with humility and grace, love and compassion. Teach us to hate sin and to embody a righteous anger when our children are separated from you because of such sin. And help us to lovingly guide them away from their desires, into a disciplined faith and walk with you!
Oh, my heart is heavy today, friends. But alas, we must get to chapter 2! Interesting stuff to discuss!!!
Did anyone else relate to Tripp as he shared the story of the time he spent helping his sons to make a concrete trough for the pigs, relating their lives to the trough and that when he paused for a breath, they ran off, unimpressed?! Or was that just me ;-)?
I, too, can be a bit too serious and discerning at times! HA! What a great reminder that while the Lord reveals things to our hearts, we should not be offended when our children do not yet "get it". After all, its taken 30 something years for me to catch a glimpse!
Shaping Influences simply defined: the events/circumstances in a childs developmental years that help shape or mold him into the person he is. (paraphrased from pg 10).
The person your child becomes is a product of two things 1.life experience and 2. how he interacts with that experience.
In other words, it is not JUST your childs life and circumstances that determine who he will become. How he reacts will play a role, as well.
I will give my own life as an example: My grandparents raised me. My mom was not quite ready to be a mom when I was born, and so my grandparents offered to take me. They took me home from the hospital and while my mom did live with us for the first several years of my life, my grandparents were my steady guardians. There are some downsides to this, of course. My "parents" were much older. As i grew up, they were not likely to attend my school functions due to illness, tiredness, etc. I'll not lie, that did make me sad. However, I have ALWAYS seen being raised by my grandparents as a huge blessing. I see clearly how the Lord allowed me to remain in my family and have stability where I would not have otherwise had it without having been given up for adoption (which my 1/2 sister was). My grandparents were older, but they were also wiser than a typical parent. They knew when and where to pick battles. They just knew what they were doing!
I know people who have grown up in similar situations (raised by an aunt/uncle or given up for adoption) who have, because of their circumstances, felt entitled to life. Like someone owed them something because they did not have the typical american family. This has ALWAYS perplexed me as to how 2 people with similar backgrounds can have such different attitudes about it.
But as Tripp states, it is how we respond to such circumstances in life that play that role in development. We will discuss more in chapter 3 about exactly what this means and our responsibility to it. For now, we need simply be aware that our response and our kids response does influence development.
For today, our focus will be on those influences which are (to some extent) under our control and how they shape our children.
I love his breakdown of shaping influences: Structure of Family Life, Family Values, Family Roles, Family Response to Failure, Family History, Family Conflict Resolution.
All of these are GREAT for us to think about, pray about and ask the Lord to help us understand (and potentially work on). However, it would be difficult for us (in a blog post) to go through all of these. So, i'll look forward to some discussion on our fb page! :-)
The biggie in Shaping Influences is being sure to avoid 2 big mistakes: becoming "Deterministic" in your approach or living in "Denial".
The tendency of most of us who are "control freaks" is to think that if we can closely control our childrens lives, the people in their lives, etc, that we can somehow determine the outcome of who our children will become. But this takes away from the fact that THEY will respond to life according to what Tripp will call their "Godward Orientation". But nor can we pretend that our childrens circumstances will have no effect on them at all!
I love the example Tripp give on pg 15 of the potter who states that "...he can only create the type of pot the clay he is working with will allow him to create. The clay is not merely passive in his hands" (pg 15). Some clay is harder to shape than others. But do not be discouraged... it can all be molded to some extent.
As a brief reminder from last week, I want to encourage you to continue to pursue Christ in your own daily quiet time. If you're anything like me, this is a struggle to prioritize. So I'd like to challenge each of us to get up 15 minutes before we normally do and simply pray, ask God for guidance and patience for the day. For discernment between what is sin and what is simply annoying. And pick up the Word and spend a few minutes reading. I know a lot of people are all about a proverb a day, but in our pursuit of Christ-likeness, I think it would be beneficial to perhaps be exposed again to the gospels. So pick your favorite and try reading a few verses or so a day. Lets learn from His example in how he treated others! After all "Unless the Word of God dwells richly in you, you will be ineffective in using it as a means of helping your children understand the overflow of their hearts".
Application for the Week:
1. Daily Devotion
2. Side with your children AGAINST sin. To do this, I'd urge you to acknowledge sin with the words "Uh Oh!" (this is a great tip from Andy Stanley). This helps us to remind ourselves that we are simply instruments in the process and not the ones sinned against and helps our children to know that we, too, are grieved when they sin. This puts us on the SAME team instead of on opposing sides working against one another. "Uh Oh. It looks like you didnt obey mommy. That was a bad choice, sweetheart. Now you'll have to XYZ" (whatever punishment you feel is adequate). Side with your kids, not against.
3. Discipline can be a never ending marathon, depending on the stage of your child. In times that we grow weary or wonder if we should or should not discipline, remember that there should be three NON-NEGOTIABLES in our homes. 1. Disobedience (remember to set your kids up for success, not failure... meaning, dont ask them to do something at a time you know they are tired, sick or hungry) 2. Dishonesty (wow, we can navigate through anything as long as our relationship is intact. dishonesty breaks relationship so its pertinent that we ingrain in our kids how important honesty is in life) and lastly 3. Disrespect (the bible instructs children to HONOR and OBEY).
A short review so far: Our primary concern is to unmask our child's sin and help him grasp how it reflects a heart that has strayed. In order to do this, we must first unmask our OWN sin (our motives and previous forms of discipline). We must, true to biblical principle, put off those ideas of how children should be raised that were offered to us by the world (even our own family!), put on that which the bible instructs us in and finally, renew our minds daily. Continue to choose to walk away from your children if you feel anger towards them during discipline. This is an action step of faith! We MUST trust that loving discipline, while it may not always bear immediate fruit, is indeed the only discipline that will touch the hearts of our children, therefore producing LASTING change!
In my Small Group last night, the discussion moved towards the topic of parenting (ok, maybe because i brought it up because i'm living and breathing Shepherding ;-) ) and how parenting is related to having an authentic faith. This topic (authentic faith) is one the Lord is bringing into my life and conversations regularly, lately. I am being challenged in ways I've never anticipated! Anyways, we were discussing what authentic faith looks like in general and it occurred to me that seeing as how parenting is SO much of what we do and defines so much of who we are, it is only natural that our faith SHOULD guide our parenting. More than in the general terms of "i want to raise my kids to love God"... we all want that. But how does that translate into action? See, that (the action part) is what sets "faith" (i use this as a general term) apart from a GENUINE, AUTHENTIC faith in my opinion.
The world is full of "cultural christians"; people who do not identify themselves to be hindu, buddhists, muslim, jewish, etc and most closely identify with the beliefs of Chrisitianity. However, the world (and hello, the church) is FULL of these christians who do not look to the God-breathed Word of God for how to do anything, much less raise children! Oh, Lord. Let US be different. As you open our eyes to all that you have to say about bringing up the next generation, allow us to hold one another accountable to not settle for less for our children. For YOUR children! Help us to realize that you have entrusted us with your creations and that their lives are for you to mold. Use us as your instruments, Lord. Help us to be the servant leaders you have called us to be! To lead with humility and grace, love and compassion. Teach us to hate sin and to embody a righteous anger when our children are separated from you because of such sin. And help us to lovingly guide them away from their desires, into a disciplined faith and walk with you!
Oh, my heart is heavy today, friends. But alas, we must get to chapter 2! Interesting stuff to discuss!!!
Did anyone else relate to Tripp as he shared the story of the time he spent helping his sons to make a concrete trough for the pigs, relating their lives to the trough and that when he paused for a breath, they ran off, unimpressed?! Or was that just me ;-)?
I, too, can be a bit too serious and discerning at times! HA! What a great reminder that while the Lord reveals things to our hearts, we should not be offended when our children do not yet "get it". After all, its taken 30 something years for me to catch a glimpse!
The person your child becomes is a product of two things 1.life experience and 2. how he interacts with that experience.
In other words, it is not JUST your childs life and circumstances that determine who he will become. How he reacts will play a role, as well.
I will give my own life as an example: My grandparents raised me. My mom was not quite ready to be a mom when I was born, and so my grandparents offered to take me. They took me home from the hospital and while my mom did live with us for the first several years of my life, my grandparents were my steady guardians. There are some downsides to this, of course. My "parents" were much older. As i grew up, they were not likely to attend my school functions due to illness, tiredness, etc. I'll not lie, that did make me sad. However, I have ALWAYS seen being raised by my grandparents as a huge blessing. I see clearly how the Lord allowed me to remain in my family and have stability where I would not have otherwise had it without having been given up for adoption (which my 1/2 sister was). My grandparents were older, but they were also wiser than a typical parent. They knew when and where to pick battles. They just knew what they were doing!
I know people who have grown up in similar situations (raised by an aunt/uncle or given up for adoption) who have, because of their circumstances, felt entitled to life. Like someone owed them something because they did not have the typical american family. This has ALWAYS perplexed me as to how 2 people with similar backgrounds can have such different attitudes about it.
But as Tripp states, it is how we respond to such circumstances in life that play that role in development. We will discuss more in chapter 3 about exactly what this means and our responsibility to it. For now, we need simply be aware that our response and our kids response does influence development.
For today, our focus will be on those influences which are (to some extent) under our control and how they shape our children.
I love his breakdown of shaping influences: Structure of Family Life, Family Values, Family Roles, Family Response to Failure, Family History, Family Conflict Resolution.
All of these are GREAT for us to think about, pray about and ask the Lord to help us understand (and potentially work on). However, it would be difficult for us (in a blog post) to go through all of these. So, i'll look forward to some discussion on our fb page! :-)
The biggie in Shaping Influences is being sure to avoid 2 big mistakes: becoming "Deterministic" in your approach or living in "Denial".
The tendency of most of us who are "control freaks" is to think that if we can closely control our childrens lives, the people in their lives, etc, that we can somehow determine the outcome of who our children will become. But this takes away from the fact that THEY will respond to life according to what Tripp will call their "Godward Orientation". But nor can we pretend that our childrens circumstances will have no effect on them at all!
I love the example Tripp give on pg 15 of the potter who states that "...he can only create the type of pot the clay he is working with will allow him to create. The clay is not merely passive in his hands" (pg 15). Some clay is harder to shape than others. But do not be discouraged... it can all be molded to some extent.
As a brief reminder from last week, I want to encourage you to continue to pursue Christ in your own daily quiet time. If you're anything like me, this is a struggle to prioritize. So I'd like to challenge each of us to get up 15 minutes before we normally do and simply pray, ask God for guidance and patience for the day. For discernment between what is sin and what is simply annoying. And pick up the Word and spend a few minutes reading. I know a lot of people are all about a proverb a day, but in our pursuit of Christ-likeness, I think it would be beneficial to perhaps be exposed again to the gospels. So pick your favorite and try reading a few verses or so a day. Lets learn from His example in how he treated others! After all "Unless the Word of God dwells richly in you, you will be ineffective in using it as a means of helping your children understand the overflow of their hearts".
Application for the Week:
1. Daily Devotion
2. Side with your children AGAINST sin. To do this, I'd urge you to acknowledge sin with the words "Uh Oh!" (this is a great tip from Andy Stanley). This helps us to remind ourselves that we are simply instruments in the process and not the ones sinned against and helps our children to know that we, too, are grieved when they sin. This puts us on the SAME team instead of on opposing sides working against one another. "Uh Oh. It looks like you didnt obey mommy. That was a bad choice, sweetheart. Now you'll have to XYZ" (whatever punishment you feel is adequate). Side with your kids, not against.
3. Discipline can be a never ending marathon, depending on the stage of your child. In times that we grow weary or wonder if we should or should not discipline, remember that there should be three NON-NEGOTIABLES in our homes. 1. Disobedience (remember to set your kids up for success, not failure... meaning, dont ask them to do something at a time you know they are tired, sick or hungry) 2. Dishonesty (wow, we can navigate through anything as long as our relationship is intact. dishonesty breaks relationship so its pertinent that we ingrain in our kids how important honesty is in life) and lastly 3. Disrespect (the bible instructs children to HONOR and OBEY).
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Wise Words for Moms
My Shepherding friends!!! I wanted to share an invaluable resource that will be a MASSIVE help as we all look for ways to dig to the depths of our children's hearts!
My friend/parenting mentor Terilynn turned me onto this chart a couple of years ago. It now hangs in my kitchen and is used almost daily. I am amazed at the way it has helped ME memorize scripture!
It is a chart called "Wise Words for Moms" and gives (in a chart format) the wrong doing, scriptures that show WHY the action is wrong, some heart probing questions, some suggestions of right actions and some scriptures to back that up, as well! Have I mentioned that its FABULOUS?!
Just click HERE to check it out on amazon. Its only $4! And worth its weight in gold in our home! What a great biblical method of put off/put on/renew! The bible encourages us to 1.Put off the old ways 2. Put on the new and 3. Renew our minds. This little jewel will help you do just that!
Remember that our goals this week are to identify our motives in discipline, pray over our own hearts and the hearts of our children and offer a better way!
Enjoy!
My friend/parenting mentor Terilynn turned me onto this chart a couple of years ago. It now hangs in my kitchen and is used almost daily. I am amazed at the way it has helped ME memorize scripture!
It is a chart called "Wise Words for Moms" and gives (in a chart format) the wrong doing, scriptures that show WHY the action is wrong, some heart probing questions, some suggestions of right actions and some scriptures to back that up, as well! Have I mentioned that its FABULOUS?!
Just click HERE to check it out on amazon. Its only $4! And worth its weight in gold in our home! What a great biblical method of put off/put on/renew! The bible encourages us to 1.Put off the old ways 2. Put on the new and 3. Renew our minds. This little jewel will help you do just that!
Remember that our goals this week are to identify our motives in discipline, pray over our own hearts and the hearts of our children and offer a better way!
Enjoy!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Shepherding: Intro and Chapter 1
Getting to the Heart of Behavior
If you have joined in this virtual study, WELCOME! I'm so glad you're here. I pray that we will all learn greatly from the experiences of one another. I presume that we are all here because we are looking for a better way to raise our children. A better, more effective way to apply discipline in our family.
What better place to look for such answers than the bible. The God of the bible who created all (including our more "challenging" children!) has a plan. Now, unfortunately (for those of us who are task oriented) there is not a clear cut list of do's and don't s in child rearing. But the great news is this: there is only one major concept to biblical discipline.
WHY > WHAT
WHY our children behave the way they do is ALWAYS more important than the what that they have done.
Why is this? The bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23" Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Not only this, but we also know from Jeremiah 17:9 that "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"
So if we remember nothing else from this study remember that behavior is NOT the basic issue. It is the SYMPTOM of a much, much deeper issue. As Tripp states, "Your childs needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior" (pg 4). And more importantly, "A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable" (pg 4. emphasis mine).
Before we go any further in our discussion of our children, lets first revisit my first blog post. I had stated that my realization that change was needed in our home came by seeing a mirror held up to my face... in the form of my three year old daughter. Certainly, I am not the only one who has read the introduction and first chapter and thought "but before I can change how I discipline my own child, I need the Lord to change ME!". Are those crickets I'm hearing?! ;-)
Matthew 15:8 gives us a picture of what it looks like to see this external change without ever addressing the internal: "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me".
So as we pursue righteousness in our children, I pray that we would pursue the One who offers righteousness to each of us! "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12) As Tripp states (in his handbook, pg 8) "Unless the Word of God dwells richly in you, you will be ineffective in using it as a means of helping your children understand the overflow of their hearts"
I am not suggesting that before we deal with disciplining our children, we ask the Lord to perfect us. Why, we'd never discipline our children! But what i do suggest is that we keep in mind that no matter the age, we all need to be striving for pureness in heart. And this, dear friends (as I have learned from experience) does not come naturally. It comes supernaturally. So as we begin this journey together, I pray that our focus is not only on seeing changes in our children, but in our hearts as well!!! This requires PRAYER and dependence on the Lord!
One of my favorite suggestions that Tripp makes is to ENGAGE OUR CHILDREN! We cannot, however, believe that it is only important to engage our children when disciplining! Think of yourself in a work situation (whether you currently work or not, most of us have worked at some point I assume?!). If you have a boss who only attempts a heart to heart with you two or three times a year in order to increase your productivity, you are likely to be skeptical of his motives. But if this same boss spends time with you day in and day out and truly invests into your life as a mentor, engaging you on a daily basis, you are much more likely to accept constructive criticism positively. And so it is with our children. Regardless of how much we know we love our children, if we only spend time with them when we are correcting, they are much less likely to be impacted by our correction. For me, this means remembering to set aside times in the day that I can check my email, etc and to stay away! from the computer during my kids playing hours! (hence, this post coming at 8:45 at night! nothing like real time application!)
Identifying our weaknesses as parents is KEY!
1. Am I leading by example by being willing to apologize to my children for my past wrong motives/actions in disciplining them and am I willing to lay out for them the new biblical mindset? (for older children, laying our the new approach will be important, for the younger children perhaps not)
2. Am I currently recognizing that authority has been given to me by God over my children but that I also answer to the authority of God? Am I willing to be the parent to my children or am I afraid of confrontation? ("The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God" -Shepherding pg xx)
3. Am I currently or have I been in the past a "behaviorist"? How have I attempted to change behavior without tending to the heart issues?
Finally, we must TRUST that God's promises are true for us and our children! Ezekiel 36:26 promises us that "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh". Oh, that we might desire this softened heart from the Lord!
Application for the Week:
In addition to 1. searching our hearts regarding our previous motives in disciplining our kids (anger, frustration, laziness, etc) might I suggest that in our attempts to engage our children, that we 2. offer a "better way". Meaning? Well, we must first remember that kids are ALWAYS learning. Its interesting how we tend to treat kids like kids at times and then expect them to act like adults at others ;-) (guilty!). For my three year old, this may mean that I not only instruct Rhyan that we do not take things from her brother, but that I suggest that if he is interested in playing with a toy that she is currently playing with, that she might find some equally interesting toy for him so as to show him love without having to give up her toy. No, i do not want to promote selfishness in my 3 year old, but nor do i want her to grow up thinking that the only way to handle this kind of confrontation is to give up what she is playing with. So, offer an alternative! When you show your children a "better way" to handle a situation, you give them knowledge in application. And lastly, find a prayer rug, friends. Or we may just rub holes in our carpets! 3. Biblical discipline requires prayer, and lots of it. When you feel that frustration over your childs actions, you may need to take a step back (or onto the back porch!) and pray for discernment over your own heart first (are you angry or frustrated because in your own pride you are irritated that your children do not behave as you wish?! deal with your own heart first so that you can have a clear heart and mind as you look to your child). If we are anything alike, this first week may be spent more on THIS part of the application than anything else!
Looking forward to some great discussion!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Milestones!
First off, if you've been thinking of joining the Shepherding study, Mack says
"WE WANT YOU!!!!" So join already!
So, Mack has learned a few new things lately. One of which being how to climb and go down a slide properly. The only problem has been the fact that our only slide is Rhyan's preschool sized slide (way too tall!). So when I saw this toddler slide at a consignment sale recently, I grabbed it!
And he loves it!!!
He has also recently learned the art of Rhyan's "bad face" . Its quite cute :-)/scary! lol
And he loves to say "uh oh"! about EVERYTHING!
More bad face! LOL
Have I mentioned that my kids have a fabulous Daddy?! He makes forts for them and plays with them so much more creatively than I've ever dreamed! They LOVE it! And i love him for it!
And guess who loves sour cream?!
Asking for "more" (thank you , sweet Jesus!)
He's so pleased with himself ;-)
And for now, folks, we're "all done"!
(loving that he's finally signing!)
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