Planning for your family is something I'm grateful that we have the ability to do in this day and age, and also something I find a bit stressful. I mean, it wasnt ideal that my grandparents had 4 kids spaced over the span of 15ish years, but they didnt really have the ability to plan or control it so they had to just trust the Lord. These days, with all of the ovulation kits and basal temp. charts, etc, etc... we can pretty much know exactly when we ovulate and try to get pregnant. Exciting? Yes. Nerve Wracking? Absolutely.
Jeff and I were pretty sure that we wanted 3 kids total. And then we had Mack. And Lord help... i ADORE my son. But he wears. me. out. We had always considered around the 2 year mark the ideal spacing between kiddos, but after our miscarriage last December (which, if the pregnancy would have been ok, would have given us another 2 year and one month gap) I just wasnt up for trying again so quickly. Mack was in a super fussy stage (like, make me want to jump off a cliff daily kind of stage) and I was really pretty heartbroken about the loss. Plus, we had decided to change church's and I just kind of felt like my life was in an upheaval. I needed time to resettle before considering another baby.
Around April we decided we would "not prevent" getting pregnant. We didnt chart ovulation or anything (not that mine is easy to predict anyways... i have crazy cycles). After a few months of not getting pregnant, in August I got a surprise email from Dr Eric Jones, a dentist in Flowery Branch.
I had applied for a position in his office in Jan/Feb and didnt get offered the job but I was very interested in his practice (b/c he's an incredible dentist, young and at the top of his field, just starting out and I can grow with and retire with him!). I asked him to keep my resume on file and if the practice grew and he needed another hygienist, I would love to be considered.
Well, that time had come. And he offered to 1. do an interview and 2. allow me to do a month long working interview on Monday's so I could decide if I wanted to switch practices.
With the knowledge that i MIGHT be changing jobs, we decided to put the baby making on hold.
I ended up starting to work for Dr Jones in October! VERY exciting! But again, my life was kind of unsettled again and I didnt really want to get pregnant the month I started a new job...
Jeff and I talked and prayed a TON about the pros/cons of trying at that point. Our fear? Waiting may result in our kids being spaced REALLY far apart. I was actually having non-ovulatory cycles and we didnt know for sure if i was ovulating at ALL, so we decided (with some conversations with Dr Pohl) that I would chart ovulation, test progesterone to see if i was actually ovulating and continue to "not prevent".
Well, as it turns out, I ovulated in November/December. And conceived!!!!
I remember taking the pregnancy test knowing in my heart that it would be positive but still getting completely giddy!
And then the reality set in. Not the reality of having another baby. But the reality that exactly a year prior we were pregnant, too. And lost the baby. Just like the two others we have lost. This was my 6th pregnancy and we only have 2 kids... not great odds. But still, I had to try to trust that we had prayed like crazy for Gods timing and so whatever the outcome, I would have to find peace.
Still, one of the HARDEST parts of being pregnant and miscarrying is having to see Jeff's disappointment. It always breaks my heart and I always feel completely to blame, like I did something wrong (despite the fact that he tries SO hard to make sure i DONT feel that way! Its just a natural reaction, I think!).
So... I decided for the first time ever to keep the info to myself until my first ultrasound.
It was torture every single day to know that I knew something so BIG and wasnt sharing it with him. So I lasted for 6 days like that and then had to tell him. I've NEVER kept a secret from Jeff and it just didnt feel ok to do that. We are in this together, good or bad, and I wanted/needed to share my hopes and fears with him! And i felt SUCH relief once I told him! The downside was that I've never done any fun surprise to tell Jeff (literally with Mack I left the positive pregnancy test on his sink... nice, right?!) so I had thought telling him for Christmas would be fun! But I told him about 4 days shy of it and just kind of blurted it out.
Basically, I said "i've been keeping something from you and need to talk to you... i'm pregnant". He was so excited! And then said "i dont know why you thought you'd keep something from me! you cant keep secrets!" which made me WISH I would have kept it a secret! HA! ;-)
Anyhoo... we were then able to pray together about and for this baby.
So, there it is. I know several friends who are struggling to get pregnant or have suffered many losses as well and my heart just hurts for them. I know how trying and hard this whole process has been for us and we've really not even struggled compared to most! Having said that, we are so grateful for this sweet blessing!
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