Kevin Leman writes in The Birth Order Book that if someone calls you a perfectionist or if you would call yourself that, you should realize that it is not a compliment, but rather just the opposite. That perfectionists are actually at a disadvantage in life because they see life in black in white. You either do something perfectly or consider it a complete failure.
This is how i see everything in life. Including my blog.
I desperately want to not HAVE to wait to post again until i've gotten my new laptop all set up w/ internet (hopefully tomorrow), copied all the files from this computer to the new one, and then start back w/ Halloween b/c i'm that far behind. I really do want to try to just blog about today and worry about the rest later, so thats what i'm doing. I'm trying my best to make it a goal in life (not just for a year) to do my best; realizing that my best is never going to be "perfect".
So here's my stream of consciousness for tonight:
I really wish i had my life more in order. That my Christmas tree was down, my floors all mopped, my furniture all back in place. But its not. I really wish i had taken some time over the last week of owning my new laptop (THANKS AWESOME HUSBAND!) to get it all set up with internet connection, etc, but i didnt. I really wish i didnt care about any of this stuff, but i do. BUT, i do have the option to ignore my craziness and make myself move on, which is what i'm doing... just trying to enjoy life.
We moved Rhyan up to her "big girl" room this week. I'll do a full post on it one day, but for now i'll just say that i love how it turned out and that Jeff has really been awesome at making it happen in his time off from work. I'm really so grateful for all the hard work he's done. We've both been busy all week trying to organize toys, move furniture, paint, clean, hang wall art, etc. Yet, our house is still a wreck! The playroom, bonus room and Rhyan's room are the only clean rooms. Here i go again caring about something that really doesnt matter. Lets face it, our house is a "working home" as jeff calls it... its not meant to look like a museum!
I have a dr's appt tomorrow morning. I'm 17 weeks already! I think things are good... i feel movement from time to time. But i feel like i'm not taking very good care of myself. I feel way fatter this go round than i did w/ rhyan. I technically lost back down to my pre-baby weight after having rhyan, but lets face it, i was left with lots more fat and less muscle that comprised that weight. So now i'm all flabby and gross and that makes me stressed, too. So i'm going to ask the dr if i can start exercising on an elleptical. Slowly, of course... i wouldnt want to die b/c of working out! (seriously, i'm that out of shape...). I just need to do something to feel better about my body. Part of me fears i'll never look decent again :-( There is definitely another part of me that knows i'm blessed to be growing another baby and remembers what an incredible blessing this is! But i'm mad at myself for not taking care of myself. Ugg.
So, in my "life is either perfect or a mess" mind, everything is pretty much a mess right now. But in reality, its just a mess of a "to do" list that needs to get checked off and it will, eventually. Lets face it, though, by the time it does, there will be a whole NEW to do list that we'll have to work on. This is why its so important for me to just see life as a work in progress instead of a goal of completion or success vs. failure. Its something i'm working on and i think it is quite literally my ONLY goal for 2011 and my life right now.
Its a big task and is about all i can handle for the moment :-)
