I feel like a whirlwind of emotions lately. Life is good, so dont worry. Just dealing with some stuff in my walk with the Lord and wondering if i'm ever going to stop doubting him... if i'll ever stop feeling guilty for not trusting Him?
Rhyan cried her head off tonight at bedtime. She didnt want to go to bed. She's done this twice before. I knew as soon as i sat down w/ her to pray, sing and say night nights that it was going to be a rough go of it. She kept pointing to the door. Thats the way those other two dreadful nights started.
We read her books (goodnight moon and i love you through and through), prayed, sang and i just rocked her for a bit, dreading what i knew was to come. Then i lay her down. She didnt cry! *shew* what a sigh of relief!
I made it to the living room and she was crying. I checked the video monitor and i couldnt see her so i assumed she was standing up (the monitor angles down at the matress so i cant see all of it). I was wrong. After a minute or two of crying i thought it sounded like she was upset. A different kind of upset. I went in to check and i found her with her foot caught between the slats of the bed. I helped her out of her sticky situation and she cried harder. She wanted me to hold her. I knew what it would mean (more crying when i put her down) but i miss her. So i held her. She kept pointing to the door. Again, against my better judgement, i walked around the house w/ her saying "night night" to everything from her toys to the phone, the tv, the kitchen, etc...
Then we went back in to go night night. I told her i wouldnt be coming back and that i loved her and would see her tomorrow morning. Before i even got her lay down she cried. It was 7:23pm.
At 7:35pm i went in because she was crying/screaming so hard she could barely breathe. Gasping for air. Seriously, this has never happened. She's cried before, but my resolve is always greater than hers. Not tonight. So i picked her up, rocked her, sang to her, hugged her... told her how hard it is for me when she cries.
And after 15 mintes of cuddling and her being completely fine and so tired she could barely keep her eyes open i lay her down again. And before her back hit the bed she started crying. I was over it. I went to the living room where i begged the Lord to comfort her and help her rest. She cried. I got so mad! WHY wouldnt she just sleep? WHY was she torturing me like this? So i threw the phone at the couch,whispered an expletive and with that, she quit.
Moral of the story? Apparently cussing at the Lord makes Him follow directions quicker.
(of course i'm just kidding. and hoping i dont get struck dead for typing that).
I'm exhausted from all of it. Maybe one day soon i'll put up some more pics. I'm in a non-communicative funk right now.
Before i forget, rhyan is taking some steps. I'll post more on that later. I just want to remember that I'm so grateful that I got to be with her sunday as she took her first :-)
