I want no one to have any doubt about this truth: Jeff and I KNOW the Lord has plans for our family. And we trust Him.
You see, i've tried the not trusting route before. It led me to stressing out for over nine months after the loss of our first pregnancy as i hoped to be pregnant again. Those days were ugly. They were dark. They were controlled by me. I didnt allow Gods hand to move. I wanted to be pregnant and if He wouldnt give us a child, well i didnt need Him.
YEAH RIGHT! I was miserable during that time. I struggled with my lack of trust, knowing that it separated me farther and farther from what He had for me. But my control freak self was stronger than the Spirit within me. So i fought like crazy. Until i broke down crying one day in July, somewhere around my birthday. I was so sad to be having another birthday without a baby. And at that point, to be honest, it wasnt really a baby that i wanted. I wanted to be pregnant but didnt really have a clue about wanting a baby yet. I dont know how to explain that. Hopefully some of you women will get it.
So one day i broke down, so ashamed. So burdened. So overwhelmed. And I begged Christ to forgive me for all of my planning and effort and dependence on myself. I was disgusted with myself, and i feel certain that while the Lord loved me throughout all of this, He was really saddened by my lack of faith. The Lord was faithful to forgive, as He promises to be.
Less than a month later, we found out we were expecting. It wasnt until I was surrendered to Him that i was capable of being a godly mom to Rhyan. And He was infinitely wise in His withholding of a child from us until I realized that.
Yesterday, I helped lead worship at church. I didnt really "feel" like leading worship yesterday morning as the official miscarriage had started that same morning. But i knew that my God does not change but that my feelings do and so I trusted that if i was faithful to do as He asked that He would show me something. One song we sang was "Wonderful Maker". My heart just overflowed...
You made the world and saw that it was good
You sent your only son, for you are good
What a wonderful maker
What a wonderful savior
How majestic your whispers
And how humble your love
With a strength like no other
And the heart of a father
How majestic your whispers
What a wonderful God
And indeed, He is. He has the heart of a father, and as we all know, when your children hurt, you hurt. I know that the Lord is hurting right along with us... that He's saddened that the sin of the world causes His children pain. And that just as he cried with his friends at the death of Lazarus (although He knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead), even in His infinite wisdom and knowledge of the end of my story, He cries with me today as i mourn the loss of our child. And in return, i have peace knowing that He has a plan. I am so grateful that He has changed me and grown me and while i have a long way to go in my walk with Him, i refuse to revisit those dark days. I choose to learn from my past and to see what He has brought us through and blessed us with. And we trust Him to do it again!
