Yesterday

1st off, I'd like to say that I gain no great pleasure sharing with the cyber world all of my many imperfections. Its embarrassing to say the least. But I do so in hopes that if there is anyone who reads my blog who is also being convicted to be changed, that they can find some encouragement in knowing that they are not alone.

Yesterday was kind of big for me. Not in a typical sense, but in a "it showed me some things i needed to see" sense.

I've been reading in "Changed into His Image" about how while, yes, we are at spiritual warfare, the majority of the battle that we face is against none other than ourselves. We have to realize that, as Jim Berg puts it, there is a clone of Lucifer within us. A part of him that lives in us. That desires independence from God. That wants to have it our way.

It is commonly referred to by Paul in the New Testament as our "flesh" or our sin nature.

Back to why yesterday was so revealing for me.

I've felt a bit stuck in the house here lately. Jeff has basketball announcing and his masters degree to deal with and so there are times when I feel like it has been forever since Jeff and I or the family as a whole got out and did something. Yesterday was one of those days. I was feeling the need for us to all go somewhere and wanted to make sure the kids were ready for an outing when they got up from nap. So I wanted to give them a bath before naptime.

Mack got to coughing (we've been plagued with bad colds around here and an ear infection for Rhyan) and it initiated his gag reflex I guess and he proceeded to vomit (not just "spit up") all 6oz of his bottle, his jar of carrots and of banana/apple/pear combo. It had been in his stomach long enough to be mucousy and it was everywhere; in the freshly ran tub of water, on the toilet, the rug, the floor, my arm and neck and shirt, his jammies, the sink... you get the picture. Eww.

Meanwhile, Rhyan watched in horror as she asked, "Mommy? Mack sick? He ok? What happened?" over. and over. and over. (regardless of how many times i sweetly told her that yes, he had gotten sick but he was ok and not to worry and that I would clean it up...)

Well, i did my best to remain calm. "This is just a part of life", I told myself. "Its no big deal". "It will all clean up". Yes, I reminded myself that my children were precious and that bodily fluids were just a normal part of kids and that I should be grateful to deal with such. And that was true. And I remained calm :-)

Whew. Crisis averted. I had dealt with a not fun situation with some grace and remained poised. I didnt yell or get angry or frustrated. I just dealt with it. And I was so proud. I had restrained my emotions (for once!) :-)

I got Mack out of the bath first and proceeded to get him dressed before going back to get Rhyan. She does great at staying in conversation w/ me while I get mack ready and she's in the bath so that I dont worry and the same was true this day. We talked while I got Mack dressed. She told me she was making bubbles and i laughed. Good times.

When I went in to get Rhyan, however, I saw that she had indeed made bubbles. With an entire brand new bottle of baby soap that I had just opened last week. (btw, this was the 2nd time she's done this and I was very clear last time that playing w/ the soap is a no no).

And there went my restraint.

I proceeded to speak VERY firmly to her. And as I reminded her she KNEW better, I could feel anger rising up. I has flashes of all the vomit I had just dealt with and got frustrated about something that was done and over with all over again. I was not yelling at Rhyan, but i was on a very fine line that I could feel myself leaning over, wanting to cross.

I shut my mouth immediatly. I continued to sear in my anger and took Rhyan into her bedroom to dress her. The tiniest thing she did at that point would upset me. Touching something I had told her not to. Moving around too much. Anything.

This situation being the hot water and I being the tea bag... I was NOT liking the flavor of my own tea. I knew that, but continued to be angry!

But I continued to be quiet and dress her.

Then, I told her to sit in front of me so i could comb her hair. But she didnt obey. And I was so grateful.

Instead, she came to me and while putting her hand on my face she said "Mommy, I sorry i pray with soap. I wub you".

And I broke down crying.

I told her I was sorry for being angry with her. That Mommy was wrong and asked her to forgive me. To which she replied "Yes, mommy! it okay!"

See, what happened yesterday was what is very normal for most mom's, I'd imagine. Frustrations lead to heightened tempers, tempers lead to yelling, and it all culminates in regret.

But what I learned yesterday was kind of earth shattering for me.

Just as Jeff and I have encouraged teens in our youth group (when we were leaders) to guard their minds... that they could never erase the images they invite through movies, the words they allow to penetrate their mind... I realized that while I control pretty tightly what my kids are exposed to through tv and music and social media, I dont fully discipline myself to protect them from a much more powerful influence.

Me.

I know that my reaction to Rhyan could have been much worse. So many of you reading this may be thinking, "wow, she writing about how she's upset b/c she got angry and fussed at her kid?". But the thing is, it took every amount of effort to keep me from wanting to smack her! And besides, its not my actions that I am as concerned about... its my HEART! I was angry, friends. Angry over a bottle of soap and a happy little girl who was having fun. There are so many other ways I could have and should have dealt with this. Yes, Rhyan needs to learn to not play with soap, but if theres anything I believe about discipline, it is this: the consequence/my reaction should match the wrong that was done. A playful act of childishness did not warrant the amount of anger my heart produced.

I became more aware yesterday that this war I'm in is indeed against my own self. My selfish desires. My pride. My anger. Emphasis on MY. See, I am not a victim of Satan or of this world. I am my own worst enemy! It is my own sin nature that desires to have full control of every situation, of my kids, of my circumstances... that drives me to react the way I do.

And it is myself that I need to die to daily.

I now value, more than ever, the renewing of my mind. Because for me, I know that the image of me fussing at Rhyan over a bottle of soap is burned in my mind as who I really, really am. A self centered control freak!

And so, regardless of how ugly yesterday was for me, I am grateful for it. Grateful for my daughter's forgiveness, for my Heavenly Father's forgiveness and mostly for the Holy Spirit's ministry to me to show me, through an every day "episode of life", just how much I need Him.

So for most of you, this doesnt mean much. But for someone who may be, like me, on the verge of some big changes inside, maybe its helpful for you to know that God teaches in every day occurrences. That He is active in the little things, using them to draw us to Him. LOOK for these times and accept them as opportunities to learn and grow and change!

And if you are interested, I'd encourage you to pick up a copy of "Changed into His Image" by Jim Berg. Its a great discipleship tool and it (by using scriptures to get to the "heart of the matter") is changing me. I am so grateful that I dont have to remain the person I am today. I know that the process of changing will be a long one full of these "opportunities" that sometimes I will handle well (through the Holy Spirit only!) and sometimes I will not.

The perfectionist in me has a hard time with that truth! But the Spirit within me is excited about it! :-)